Yen: Greetings and Welcome to Quikmoose & Dr. Yen's Muck 'N' Mire Saturday Matinee.

Quikmoose:  Yes, we are sitting here in our well-appointed studio, seated in plump luxury, snacks and drinks at hand, awaiting the screening of our next quicksand movie epic.

Yen:  Which happens to be one of the finest evocations of primitive rubber dinosaurs we have ever encountered.

Quikmoose:  Too bad the quicksand scene is pretty sucky....

Yen:  Oh well, can't have everything....

Quikmoose:  Oh yes I can....

Yen:  Quiet!  Today, folks, we are featuring "The Land That Time Forgot", starring Doug McClure, fresh from TV oaters, and his lovely co-star, Susan Penhaligon.

Yen:  Well, Susan looks downright in trouble, there, Quikmoose!  One bit of interesting trivia:  She went on to do...nothing.  Can't remember that she ever showed her face in Hollywood again after this turkey.  Not even in the sequel!

Quikmoose:  Oh Susan!  She looks ravishing with her blond curls and little white sailor's outfit, obtained conveniently in just her size on board a German U-boat, which encounters -- DINOSAURS!!!!!  (Here Quikmoose gets up and starts stomping around on the set, snorting and bellowing.....)

Yen:  Rubber dinosaurs, no less.  On a HIDDEN ISLAND!  (How does one hide an island?)  Not to mention a lot of really ugly cavemen.

Quikmoose (eagerly):  And THAT's when the QUICKSAND comes in....Oh oh oh.....

Yen:  You bet!  No sooner does poor Susan get captured by the ugly cavemen, then she manages to run away, with one of the uglier cavepersons in hot pursuit....

Quikmoose:  Followed closely by, tah dah!!, Dougy....

Yen:  They enter a swampy area in the jungle, and Susan, taking really gia-ant steps, runs pell-mell into a quicksand bog about the size of Miami. And, like Miami, it's mostly window-dressing covering a whole lot of nothing substantial.

Quikmoose:  Poor dear, never noticed it.....she screams nicely, and then begins flaying about with her arms like she was imitating an oil derrick. Ca-chunk Ca-chunk Ca-chunk....

Yen:  Meanwhile, Mr. Ugly Caveman himself jumps right in (as would I)....

Quikmoose:  Me too!

Yen:  And proceeds to molest her.  Suddenly, ol' Dougy-Boy, who is seen climbing up the side of a volcano that doesn't appear even remotely in the vicinity, somehow miraculously crosses miles of treacherous island to get to the scene of all the excitement. Wonderful shot of Doug attempting to stomp on our cavefriend's head with one of his Florsheims. This does not go quite as planned, with Doug ending up in the soup with the other two.

Quikmoose:  I think he did it deliberately to be with Susan in the bog...

Yen:  Could be. Or, it could just be that the guy had a really lousy agent. Either way, we've got the three of them floundering around, without a waiter in sight. Reminds me of a party I once went to in North Hollywood, but that's another clip. Notice how Ms. Penhaligon doesn't really look like she wants to get out?

Quikmoose:  Yep, that was my understanding.  Just then they encounter only semi-ugly cavemen (from a different tribe -- I think it was the Village People), and Doug proceeds to teach them the Queen's boxing rules, of which the ignorant louts know nothing....

Yen:  The erupting volcano helps....

Quikmoose:  And the rubber suited dinosaurs.

Yen:  Yep, don't forget the latex dinosaurs! At this point, I'm thinking to myself: if I were to build a pterodactyl, would I make it out of natural latex rubber, or some of that new-fangled silicon stuff? These are crucial questions for our times. Anyway, Doug and Susan live happily ever-after until the sequel, in which they die...but we didn't come here to talk about that!

Quikmoose (Fumbling with his pipe):   Time now for Quikmoose's scientific assessment of the quicksand pit....

Yen:  Not that dumb pipe, again!

Quikmoose:  Shush!  It makes me look distinguished, kind of a GQ man....

Yen:  What GQ man smokes a bubble pipe??

Quikmoose (horrified):  You wouldn't want me to smoke tobacco??!!!  What an awful role model for our younger viewers!?

Yen:  This is an ADULT Website.  There are no kids.

Quikmoose (blowing a large bubble):  Never hurts to be careful.

Yen:  Or an ignoramus....

Quikmoose (ignoring this last remark):  As I was saying, here is Quikmoose's scientific chart of quicksand pool characteristics in the movies (points with the stem of his bubble pipe at the wall where a piece of butcher paper has been scrawled on with a felt-tipped marker).  As you can see, this rating system goes from one to ten, with one being plain water (which is REALLY tacky) and ten being really thick, mucky quicksand that quivers and shakes and makes rude noises.

Yen (pointing to the audience):  Now, everyone knows that Hollywood quicksand, the kind that can suck the clothes off a helpless dame at twenty paces, does NOT exist in nature! Trust me, I've seen every episode of "Nova" since 1983...

Quikmoose:  Quite right.  But in Hollywood, the really nasty undulating stuff is pretty rare, with lots of ugly runny watery gook substituting for true Hollywood quicksand.

Dr. Yen:  Yes, that's one of the major disappointments of this scene, Quikmoose.  The bog is just water with some floating stuff strewn on top. I mean, come on! You'd think that the special effects team on this epic could have trimmed $12.95 off the latex budget and put it into another 10 pounds worth of sawdust and lawn trimmings to cover up the water better. Seriously, I've seen day-old Malt-O-Meal that was more terrifying than this stuff!

Quikmoose:  I give it about a 4 on my rating scale, largely because the surrounding bog foliage looks good.  But as you say, it looks like they filled the basin with last week's left-over coffee from the studio canteen and threw some grass clippings and cork on top.  Not very realistic as a death trap.

Yen: And Susan's performance?

Quikmoose:  Extra points for being really cute and cuddly, plus that white sailor's outfit (which barely gets stained from the bog, mind you). However, she has too little camera time.  After her flying leap, they concentrate on Dougy kicking the stupid cavemen around, while Susan is pretty much left in the background to slog about up to her shoulders.

Yen:  Yes, too short and too little honest-to-goodness sinking on her part, I'd say.  She even extracts herself off-camera, showing up suddenly on solid ground as if the bog were not a problem at all. If only Natalie Wood had gotten a few pointers from this gal...

Quikmoose:  That's it for today folks!  Be sure to be with us next time!

Yen:  Take care and God bless!

Quikmoose:   Feel groovy and remember the Maine!

Yen:   Free Tibet and Tyler too!

Quikmoose:  And now....

Yen:        Here we go....

TOGETHER:   ON WITH THE SHOW!!!! SPINNER...START THE PROJECTOR, SWEETIE!