Made with 100% pure American corn, Pal. Review sanctioned by the Fédération Internationale de Sarcasme.
Note: opinions regarded in a social rearview mirror may appear slightly inflated.
 

This Month's Feature:
Goliathon (1977, Color)
(Also Known as The Amazing Colossal Peking Man)
Note: Links to the clip are at the bottom

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Plot



 
 
 

Yen:  Well-ll-l-l-ll, review time again, folks!  Welcome to the Quikmoose/Dr. Yen Muck N Mire Saturday Afternoon Matinee and Excuse to Avoid Washing Your Clothes and Other Manly Chores.  With me is my colleague and fellow quicksand movie officianado, Quikmoose.

Quikmoose:  Thank you, and may I say, I am indeed honored to once again share our plush Hollywood-style sound-stage with Dr. Yen as we ask the musical question: "Why does Hollywood make so many really bad movies with quicksand scenes, and how can we get them to make more?"

Yen:  And bad bad bad is definitely the word for our movie choice today: Goliathon, one of the best Asian movies to contain no plot whatsoever, just lots of screaming people running around the jungle for no good purpose.

Quikmoose:  It looks like the makers spliced together all the scenes of hysterical people running from Japan's Toho Studio's monsters and then colorized them and speeded them up to create Goliathon.
 
 

Yen:  Yes indeedy. Reminds me of a party I once attended in Fairbanks, Alaska, where someone forgot to close the screen door during a white-out...

Quikmoose:  Was that the time you complained that all the women were frigid??

Yen:  Enough from you.  Goliathon also features an incredible blond jungle girl...

Quikmoose:  Yes, yes...???
 
 

Yen:  Played with understated graciousness and beautiful curves by Evelyn Kraft, barely contained in her jungle skin bikini.

Quikmoose:  Wow!  This is turning out really great...

Yen:  A truly beautiful creature in every sense of the word, beautiful enough to up the pulse of the entire Dallas Cowboys Football Team to a thunderous roar that can be heard all the way out here in Weasel Holler...
 
 

Quikmoose:  Lordy, I can hear it all the way over in Californy...

Yen:  Yes, the beautiful blonde Caucasian woman is the Peking Man's object of affection. Kraft spends the entire film in this leather bikini-like top, only the left side has no strap to it and barely covers her assets in that area. 

Quikmoose:  Oh Gawd! Oh Gawd!

Yen:  I myself spent the entire film waiting for a mammary to come popping out (and it DOES threaten to do this the entire time she's bouncing about), only to realize that the damned top is probably glued to the poor woman's skin right there.  A true special effects triumph...

Quikmoose:  OH GAWD!!!  And then she falls in QUICKSAND???!!!

Yen:  Well, no.  It is the attack of a vicious tiger that sets off a mad rush in the camp of the guys that triggers the quicksand scene, so we will have to forget about Evelyn for the moment, and concentrate instead on the guys floundering in quicksand, having the their legs ripped off by tigers, and.....

Quikmoose:  Excuse me?

Yen:  ...running in all directions, screaming, tearing down tents in their haste to wreak havoc on the jungle and give the director of cinematography something to chase after...
 
 

Quikmoose:  Wait a minute!?

Yen:  ...carping, yelling unintelligibly in Cantonese, running, screaming...

Quikmoose:  WHAT ABOUT KRAFT??????!!!!

Yen:  ...Pardon me??

Quikmoose:  What about Evelyn Kraft, the sexy jungle girl?  When do we get to see her??

Yen:  That's what I was just saying.  The quicksand scene doesn't include her, so we skipped over her scenes and went directly to the running, screaming, jumping, jibbering...
 
 

Quikmoose:  What?  No Evelyn?????????

Yen:  ...well, as I was just explaining when I was so RUDELY interrupted (here Dr. Yen shoots a meaningful frown at Quikmoose), the running, screaming guys, running in fourteen different directions, jump feet first into the sand, which turns into a pit of quicksand...

Quikmoose:  THIS IS A GUY SCENE????????????!!!!!!!!!

Yen:  ...of course...

Quikmoose:  And the cheesecake Kraft isn't in the scene AT ALL????????  "Miss Not-Appearing-In-This-Quicksand-Clip"????

Yen:  ...why, no...

Quikmoose:  And there isn't any babe-in-quicksand scene AT ALL in Goliathon, unlike...you know...that movie I REALLY like?  You know...

Yen:  ...whatever are you babbling about?...

Quikmoose:  Evelyn Kraft doesn't get in quicksand like Vera Miles does in that one I like...???

Dr. Yen:  ...you mean Tarzan's Hidden Jungle...?

Quikmoose suddenly lights up (literally), eyes wide, teeth clenched, stands up, jerks around crazily, and falls to the floor, rigid as a board.

Dr. Yen smacks his head with his palm.

Dr. Yen:  Not AGAIN!!!???

Dr. Yen walks offstage and is assisted back onstage by Spinner the Tarantula with a large car battery and cables on a dolly. Dr. Yen and Spinner quickly hook the electrodes up to Quikmoose's two antlers and turn on the juice. With a puff of smoke and the smell of ozone, Quikmoose suddenly sits up.

Quikmoose:  Oh Evelyn, can I help you out of that quicksand bog and your skin bikini at the same time.... Where am I?

Yen:  In the middle of our show, you idiot!  Can we continue??

Quikmoose:  Oh yeah, guys in quicksand... Lions and tigers and bares, oh my.  I remember now!
 
 

Yen:   Well, try to stay focused this time.  Our clip is coming up right now.

Quikmoose:  Holy smokes!  That is one terrifying tiger!  Good dental work.  Where did you say Evelyn Kraft comes in again?

Yen:   Shut up!  Yes, folks, to continue, Quentin Tarantino (acclaimed Director of Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, and "ABC's Wide World of Crochet") has done a schtick like Woody Allen and bought the rights to this absolutely horrible Hong Kong movie, and is distributing it here in the U.S.  He has re-titled it The Amazing Colossal Peking Man or something very similar to this.  The box cover shows a frame from the film wherein the Peking Man is destroying a city (could it be...HONG KONG?!)...

Quikmoose:  If the Peking Man catches sight of Evelyn Kraft, would that make him a Peking Tom?

Dr. Yen (groaning):  One more like that, Quikmoose, and you are off to the showers...

Quikmoose:   With Evelyn?

Yen:  You wish!  Forget Evelyn and pay attention. 

Quikmoose:  Is she called Kraft because she is oh so spreadable...??

Yen:  ENOUGH!  Now, also on the video box cover is Quentin's happy mug up in the upper left corner proclaiming "You've GOT to see this movie!"  Well, that was enough to get my girlfriend's attention (after she vetoed my more refined choice of Shannon Tweed Shows Off Her Enormous Breasts in Cinemascope) in favor of this other epic.
 
 

Quikmoose:  No comment.

Dr. Yen (with sharp glance at Quikmoose):   Ahem! Well, turns out there's a quicksand scene! After consulting with leading anthropologists, contacting the FBI's Department of Forensic Science, and cross-checking Crypto's TV/Movie Scenes list, I find that our lad Crypto does indeed have it catalogued (note to Crypto: what the HELL do you DO for a living?).  Apparently, it was released under the name Goliathon back in 1977. I would despair of ever being able to see this film had not Mr. Tarantino taken such a liking to it, unless I happened to live near an Asian video rental place that specialized in old Hong Kongese (is this a word? My apologies if you're from Hong Kong) schlock.

Quikmoose:  Remember, Hong Kong is also the spiritual center for enlightened Capitalism, Bruce Lee films, and really really tacky plastic toys that break when you look at them...

Yen:  And don't forget Asian babes.  They seem to swarm all over Hong Kong.

Quikmoose:  Too bad they don't swarm all over the quicksand in this movie!

Yen:  Tut, tut!  The quicksand scene is lousy, but fun...a brave Hong Kong explorer and his two Indian/Nepalese bearers are chased into a quicksand pit by a rampant tiger.

Quikmoose:  And even the tiger is a male!

Dr. Yen (trying to ignore Quikmoose):  In the best tradition of Sam Peckinpah, everybody dies.
 
 

Quikmoose:  Well, that goes without saying.

Yen:  QUICKSAND, deadly killer that defies gravity! Even the Hong Kong filmmakers are seduced by the quivering sands!  But the BEST PART is immediately following this scene, where the surviving explorers have to CONTINUE dealing with the still-rampaging tiger (who won a Best Supporting Mammal award at the 1977 Hong Kong International Film Festival of Hong Kong Films).

Quikmoose:  I understand at the Emmies that year, he beat out Tony the Tiger and that tiger rug that Barbara Feldon used to lie on touting hair cream.  Those were the days!!

Yen:  In one of the GREATEST cheesy effects in the history of cinema, the tiger bites this fellow's leg off, below the knee. You'll scream! You'll howl! You'll blow little bits of Cheez Puffs and Diet Pepsi out your nose! Too bad we DON'T SHOW IT!

Quikmoose:  Ouch! That DOES hurt!  Reminds me of the time in the Pitkajunka Murder Burger when the cap came off the ketchup bottle as I was trying to shake some out on my fries...

Yen:  The frenetic pace never lets up.  Helps obscure the fact that this film is basically a scene-by-scene ripoff of King Kong, from Hong Kong.

Quikmoose:  Hey, that rhymes! "King Kong from Hong Kong, and Peking Man has a Really Big Dong...."

Dr. Yen (testily):  To get back ON TOPIC, how do you rate the quicksand pool in this one, Quikmoose?

Quikmoose:  Well, from a conventional scientist's standpoint, it does not rate well.  It has a thin coating of sand-like floating stuff over water, so it is not really a good illusion.  And we have to take off points because it includes guys, and not babes.  I would say a THREE on the scale from 1 to 10.

Dr. Yen:  Yes...and it is, like all the other scenes in this movie, a really quick scene, too.  The frenetic pace is in large part sustained by really bad editing.  Extra credit, though, for the floating hat at the end, always a rather ominous sign when dealing with victims of quicksand.

Quikmoose:  As my grandpappy used to say:  "A hat on the bog means the guy below is dead as a doorknob."

Dr. Yen:  Isn't he the one who also always said that the real problem was with the guy upon whose shoulders the first guy was standing??

Quikmoose:  Yep. My grandpappy was just chockablock full of quicksand lore and wisdom.

Dr. Yen:  And on that note, that's all for this show, gang!  I hope you enjoyed it!

Quikmoose:  Stay loose, like a caboose!

Dr. Yen:  Eat your bok choy!

Quikmoose:  Exercise daily...

Dr. Yen:  And now...

Quikmoose:  Here we go again....

TOGETHER:  ON WITH THE SHOW!!! START THE PROJECTOR, SPINNER SWEETIE... 


 

LOOK! NEW GRAPHIC!!! Quikmoose's Scientific Quicksand Rating System!

Mostly water...not even dirty water! Dirty water, with one or two grains of muddy sand per cubic foot. Grass clippings floating on water. And not much grass, either! Lots more leaves and grass and stuff. Pretty dry, though. Actual quicksand. Maybe not great quicksand, but at least there's quicksand. Better, muddier quicksand. Quicksand that's so good looking that you actually wanna play in it! Good looking stuff! Small dead things floating on surface add realisim. You're frantically trying to get the VCR to work. Bingo! Oscar winner!

 
Sorry, this vid clip 
has been retired.