Top Ten Signs Your Quicksand Video Won't Sell

10. Your script combines the best elements of "Ishtar", "Waterworld", and "Heaven's Gate".

9. The Hooters waitress you planned to use as a model didn't work out, forcing you to use your mom as a replacement.

8. The WB network wants to turn it into a sitcom

7. Your video cassette cover art features Bea Arthur

6. You offer countless web pages of quicksand images that folks can download for free

5. Vanilla Ice provided the soundtrack.

4. Your quicksand is really a children's pool full of water and peat moss

3. The Surgeon General has warned that watching your video may lead to impotence.

2. Three words: "Starring Sandra Bernhard"

1. Three more words: "Featuring Pauly Shore"


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THIS PAGE CREATED ON JUNE 2, 1997

1997 Kaol