Celebrity Quicksand Challenge
by Kaol

illustrated by Pete Boggs

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the First Annual Charity Female Celebrity Quicksand and Mud Bog Challenge, or FACFCQAMGC, as we like to call it when we are intoxicated. These events are brought to you in part by the good people of Gutz. That's, Gutz, the detergent guaranteed to remove even the most stubborn of ground in dirt. Look for it somewhere in your local store. I figure it's gotta be in there somewhere.

"I'm Rob Banks, senior announcer for the W&M network and joining me in the control booth and proving once again it's not talent but who you know that matters in this business, it's Dennis Foster."

"Thanks, Rob. If I may take a moment to describe the beautiful weather we have today for our radio audience. It's, ah, well, it's beautiful."

"Succinctly put as ever, Dennis. Indeed, the skies are blue and clear, with nary a cloud in the sky. I think we are in for a wonderful competition today. We have a large crowd gathered for today's events and you can just feel the excitement in the air."

"No, no, I think that's just humidity, Rob."

"Don't make me hurt you, Dennis."

"Sorry, Rob. But let's not forget the reason we're gathered here today."

"I was just getting to that, Dennis. Today's event is a charity event, and all the celebrities present have volunteered their time and bodies for today in order to help a very good cause. As many of you are no doubt aware, America today is lacking in several areas."

"Indeed it is, Rob."

"Thanks for the insight, Dennis. As I was saying, there simply are not sufficient mud bogs and quicksand pits available for those seeking them out. When I think of all the times I have looked in the personal ads only to find the same three words, 'Desperately Seeking Quicksand', well, it brings a tear to my eye, I'm not ashamed to admit it."

"You're a man's man, Rob."

"And may I add a word to that as well?"

"Well, it's the third member of our team, that mistress of the mire, the babe of the bogs, the queen of the quicksand, Laura Fen, joining our conversation from her place down on the field. Laura, I might add, looks far better in her red blazer than either I or Rob do. On the other hand, neither Rob or I chose spandex to wear beneath ours."

"Thank you, Dennis, but if you had my body you wouldn't be shy either. Now let me take a moment to inhale deeply for the sake of my admiring fans. Ahhhhh. I just wanted to add that the lack of quicksand and good, deep mud is a problem facing everyone, rich and poor, young and old, in our nation. This lack has also forced many people to deny their mudlarking needs. I don't think it is pressing it too far to suggest that our drug and crime problems would be greatly diminished if there was, say, a deep clay pool in every neighborhood! More grime and less crime is a motto I'm sure we've all heard more than once. Wait, and look who just stopped by! It's Lynda Carter, decked out in her old Wonder Woman costume from the seventies. She's looking quite good still and ready for some serious messy fun, right Lynda?"

"That's right, Laura. I just wanted to say that I'm behind this cause 150%. I fought for years on my series to have a scene where I would be trapped in quicksand. But it was not in the budget, they said. I finally had to go and leave the series, using my earnings to build my own quicksand pool on my estate. After I had that, there was never any real reason to return to acting."

"Then again, Lynda, nobody ever said you really acted in the first place! Back to you, Rob."

"Laura, I think you've gone for total submersion a few too many times. The lack of oxygen is showing. We'll get back to you when the games begin, Laura. Anyway, Dennis, as I was saying, the money raised in this event should help make America a more pleasant place for mire enthusiasts everywhere."

"Yes, Rob, and it's about time to start the games. We start off with the singing of our National Anthem. Today's rendition will be sung by a member of our 'where are they now' file, Samantha Fox."

"Samantha is looking stunning today in, well, not much of anything really. It appears that she is wearing a bit of blue floss about her waist, and that is about it as far as I can tell, but that look works for her. Samantha, as you may recall, began her career as a topless Page 3 girl in the British tabloids, and she appears to be trying to boost her drooping singing career by reverting to form. It's a strategy that just may work, for as I watch her, I don't think I'll really be paying much attention to her voice, only where it's coming from. Now let's stand as she begins the National Anthem.

"Ahem. Well, Dennis, that was interesting. Apparently, our judges well recall Samantha's vocal qualities, such as they are, and cleverly had Samantha placed over a pit of very quick quicksand. That had to be one of the shortest renditions of the anthem I've ever heard."

"Yes, Rob, but what a trooper. I swear I could hear her singing even as she went under."

"But that's what the games are all about, Dennis, and you could tell she was enjoying herself and the hearty applause she drew from the fans. Ah, and here comes the rescue team to try and extract her from the pit. Our hats off to those fellows, and I'm sure we all wish we could be the one to apply the CPR. Look at those boys fight over her. They are truly dedicated to their profession. Still, I thought they were supposed to place their mouth over her mouth to revive her. But then, I guess that's why they are the professionals."

"Yes, Rob, and now we are taking you back down to Laura, standing by at the first event, the running long jump. Laura?"

"I'm standing here beside the running long jump. For this event, based on the well known track and field event, our contestants will run along this dirt path and then hit the mark and jump as far as they can. Of course, for our contest, the traditional sand pit has been modified somewhat into, yes, you guessed it, quicksand. The quicksand gets deeper the farther you jump, and so the winner will be the celebrity who sinks the farthest. Before we begin the event, I have scored a triple play which I believe everyone will enjoy. Yes, it's Farrah Fawcett, Jaclyn Smith, and Kate Jackson, television's original Charlie's Angels! Farrah, let's start with you, your thoughts?"

"I'm a serious actress you know. I don't have to do this jiggle thing anymore. I'm a serious actress."

"Yes, but I see you are seriously wearing a tight red dress that looks rather familiar. I get a bit of deja vu, actually. I gather from your attire that serious actresses don't need to wear underwear either."

"My point exactly, Laura. I'm in character here today. See how convincingly I portray my old image?"

"Thanks, Farrah. Now Kate, what about you?"

"I'm happy to be here, Laura, and if you are interested in buying a new car, I do believe I can help you out."

"Ah, no thanks. Jaclyn?"

"You'll note that this low cut, lavender blouse I am wearing perfectly matches my slacks and pumps. You might think that I bought these someplace fancy and expensive. Wrong. K-mart. Blue light special. You can't go wrong with K-Mart."

"And I thought you were more the red light special type."

"Shut up, Farrah. Go fluff your hair."

"Come here and say that."

"Well, Rob and Dennis, this has suddenly gotten interesting. Whoops! Ha ha. The 'Angels' seem to have a bit of the devil in them and have begun an impromptu wrestling match, and that event wasn't even scheduled until later! Oops, there they go, right into a quicksand pit! One thing we are not lacking in down here is quicksand pits. You really have to watch where you are walking or it's submerge city. Well, the mire is really flying now. Woah, they nearly got me with that one! I can tell you there is more than one video camera trained on this spectacle. Kate and Jaclyn seem to be ganging up and Farrah and are grabbing her shoulders and trying to push her under. Just let me a little closer, I...uh oh."

"Laura, is there a problem down there?"

"Um, just got a bit too close to the quicksand, Rob. But may I say, this is a very fine mix, clearly uncut, premium death trap we are talking here. This is not your soupy, imported version by any means. This sand is a soft white in color and has a fine silty feel to it. We're talking good thick stuff, and there is definite resistance as you try and pump your legs up and down and hmmm, oh, ah, it really feels quite good actually. It's quite addictive, really. Umm, ahhhh, unh, ah, mmm, woah! THAT felt interesting..."

"Well, Laura seems a bit occupied at the moment, Dennis."

"Maybe I better go help her..."

"Zip up and sit down, Dennis. I can see that the scheduled event is about to begin. Stepping up to the blocks first of all is that perennial mud lover, Kathleen Turner. Who can forget her delightful bespotted perfomances in such films as "Undercover Blues" and "The Man with Two Brains". This is a woman who isn't afraid of mud."

"A woman after our own hearts, Rob."

"It wasn't my heart I was thinking of Dennis. Nudge nudge. Kathleen looks splendid today, dressing lightly for today's competition in a powder blue tank top and matching satin shorts. Okay, she's taking a couple breaths, getting ready, and she's off! She's running down the path, building speed, her ponytail flipping behind her, and what's this, she's slowed down! She's having trouble! Dennis, can you make out what's going on."

"Heh heh. It appears some prankster has been at work, Rob. Somebody placed quicksand on the actual running path before the pit! Heh heh, what a card. Kathleen seems confused as to what has happened, but displaying incredible determination, she is still trying to move to the pit."

"But making little headway, Dennis. The quicksand is already up to her ribs, and the only direction she is going is down. She's waving her arms angrily at a judge. It seems like she feels this is going to negatively impact her score. Woah, what's this? She has grabbed Judge Jim Brand and pulled him in with her. Apparently she is going to make him listen to reason."

"Interesting smile on the Jim's face though, isn't it, Rob? He doesn't seem to be trying very hard to get away from her either."

"Indeed. Now, while we wait for this to be resolved, let's have another word from one of our sponsors. Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever felt like you were experiencing a little too much personal freedom? Are you one of those people who wakes up in the morning and fears you may possibly say something during the day that is not P.C. or could offend someone? Now that mom and dad aren't around to make decisions for you, would you like someone else to take over that role? If so, then X-On was made for you! Just one pill in the morning and your mind will become a blank slate for the government to write on. X-On, for those of you who no longer wish to be bothered with the devastating annoyance of free thought and speech."

"Well, Rob, they have now pulled Kathleen free and have laid planks over the path. Approaching the starting line now is Adrienne Barbeau. Some of you may remember her as the liberated daughter in the sitcom, "Maude". Others may recall her from the movie "Swamp Thing" in which the script called for a quicksand scene that, sadly, never appeared. She seems ready to make up for that today, however."

"Yes, Dennis, and she's looking as good as ever. Adrienne has chosen to wear a white, one-piece swimsuit today and I believe sheer does not do it justice. And wait, she's started running and, oh my goodness, I wish you could watch her run ladies and gentlemen, this is worth the price of admission in itself! She hits the mark, she's airborne, and she's hit it! That looked like a good jump to me, and quite a splash she made, sending up a nice spray of loam. The ASFWAM delegation gathered around the pit is holding up a series of handmade signs and they are giving her a 9.0 on that landing. Or maybe it was for that running approach. Either way, they liked what they saw."

"Ah, Rob, we are hearing from Laura again. She has lost her blazer, but is back out of the quicksand and over by the long jump. Laura?"

"Dennis, Rob, I'm back and feeling very warm and glowy at the moment. I'm here by the pit and am watching Adrienne settle into the quicksand. It's just beneath her breasts, and it appears that the quicksand here is either quite cold or Adrienne is very excited about her performance. Let me see if I can get the mike close enough to talk to Adrienne. Adrienne, that looked to be a good jump, how does it feel???"

"I've never felt more alive, Laura. I think this is the highlight of my career."

"I'm afraid you may just be right, Adrienne. Back to you, Rob."

"Thanks, Laura. Our next jumper is getting ready to run, and it's that lovely blonde, Heather Thomas, and for some reason not entirely clear to me, she is dressed like a cheerleader today in black and gold. I'm not going to complain, however, and neither is the crowd, judging by that roar of appreciation. She entertaining them by doing some jumping jacks and now the splits. I think I saw a few men shed a tear at seeing that move. But now she seems limbered up and is taking her place. There she goes! Heather is making good speed as she takes off down the runway. She's in the air, and, oh my goodness, what is she thinking? It was a good jump, carrying her past Adrienne, but Heather dove in head first!"

"And the crowd is going wild. Apparently Heather is new to the quicksand scene and substituted safety for distance. What a competitor! Her bare legs are kicking back and forth in the mire as her pretty posterior is settling into the gently rolling quicksand. For those at home, her candy pants are a nice sparkling gold, or they were before they disappeared just now. She's really churning that stuff up good."

"Well, the judges are conferring and it looks like Heather is going to be disqualified on that run, Dennis. And here come the paramedics, eagerly ringing the pit. They are getting their workout today! That tall, blonde guy always seems to be leading the way."

"That's right, Rob, the man clearly loves his job. But let's move on to the next event, shall we?"

"Good idea, Dennis. Next up is the female mud wrestling event. Female mud wrestling is an event your typical American may be somewhat more familiar with, as too often they have had to be satisfied with it given the lack of decent mire in their vacinity."

"However, our mud wrestling is a little different, as instead of that weak crap used so often in bars, we have a 20 by 20 foot pool of thick, creamy yellow clay, 3 and a half feet deep. Our celebrities will be getting in deep here and remember folks, it is all for a good cause."

"That's right, Dennis. And remember, folks at home, if you want to give to the cause, please call in with your pledge. Dial 1-800-OOZYMUD, that's 1-800-OOZYMUD. With your ten dollar donation you will receive a vial of the quicksand our celebrities have frolicked in today. For fifty dollars you will receive your very own FACFCQAMGC t-shirt. For 100 dollars you will receive the official video of today's events, edited by our director, Tim Lodoski. Remember, you are helping a good cause. Our operators are sinking by."

"Okay, Rob, for our first match, we have star of movies and TV, Cybill Shepherd. Her opponent is Kim, 'Please Don't Sue Me', Basinger. Kim was a bit reluctant to appear tonight, as when she signed on she thought she was going to be appearing in a 'Let's Bash Disney' conference. However, our attorneys, Vinny and Luigi, were able to convince her to participate in today's events."

"Indeed, Dennis. Cybill has elected to go for the professional look, dressed in a nice creme colored blouse with matching pale yellow jacket and shoulder pads. Her Cover Girl makeup is adroitly displayed and grim determination shows on her face. Ms. Basinger is wearing a dark blue t-shirt and blue jeans with sandals. She seems quite bewildered and seems to keep scanning the crowd as if searching for help."

"I don't think Batman is going to rescue her this time, Rob."

"I concur, Dennis. A pair of volunteers from ASFWAM are helping them into the pit now, and I find it interesting to note the parts of their anatomy they are grabbing as they help them in the pit. Very enthusiastic gentlemen there."

"Yes, Rob, but I don't see the women complaining either. Frankly, neither am I. The mud is slowly accepting their bodies as they slip, fully clothed, into the pit. Cybill seems to be getting the hang of the process quite rapidly, and is slogging about the pit as the yellowish mud eases about her crotch. She really seems to be enjoying it, Rob. Kim, on the other hand, seems quite upset about the entire mess and is simply standing there with her arms raised as if hoping she will be able to fly away."

"No chance, Dennis, and as the Judge Tom rings the bell the match begins. In spite of being older, Cybill seems like the favorite in this one and indeed leaps forward, snagging a handful of Kim's hair and pulling her towards her."

"That got Kim's attention, Rob. She's whirled on Cybill, and, woah, they are losing their balance and toppling backwards into the mud! It's slow to accept them, and Cybill is on her back with Kim atop her. She better do something fast or she will get pinned, and that is a losing proposition in that much mud."

"Cybill seems to recognize that, Dennis, and is yanking Kim's hair and head back. Kim lets go of Cybill's shoulders and Cybill uses that opportunity to roll over and place Kim beneath her. The mud has a good hold on both of them now, and their bodies are covered in dripping globs of the muck. Cybil seems to be having a good old time, however, and has placed her hands on Kim's chest, pushing her down."

"Kim seems in a panic, Rob. The mud is creeping determinedly up the sides of her face and in a moment she'll be, no, right now! She's under! Kim has been submerged. All Cybill has to do is hold her under for a count of five and she's the winner! Woah! Did you see the size of that air bubble burst where Kim's face used to be! The surface of the mud is trembling as Kim tries to free herself, but Cybill clearly has some muscle on that frame of hers, and Kim isn't going anywhere but down!"

"There, Dennis. It's all over. Cybill won the first round. She's trying to jump up and down in excitement, but the mud is a little too thick for that, but it is still a sight to behold. I'm afraid her outfit is ruined however, still she doesn't seem to mind, and I know the crowd doesn't. The two ASFWAM volunteers have jumped into the pit as well and are helping pull Kim free."

"They are also disrobing her, but I guess they can tell she wants out of those messy clothes. Always going the extra mile, those guys."

"Well, Dennis, our cub reporter, Jill Shari, is down at the scene and is ready to interview the winner, Cybill Shepherd. Jill?"

"Hi, guys! Like, I'm here with Cybill, y'know? She's like all muddy 'cause she won, y'know? You look all gnarly, Cybill, like, what's the deal? Where's Bruce these days, anyway? I mean, what did you think of the 'Die Hard' films, anyway?"

"Could I speak to a real reporter please? Is there a real reporter anywhere around here?"

"Fer sure! Like, what is that supposed to mean? I guess she's got like this major attitude problem."

"Thanks for the report, Jill."

"Indeed, Dennis. Our next match doubles the stakes and doubles the action as it is a team match. On the blue team, we have relative newcomers, Courtney Cox and Sandra Bullock. Courtney is perhaps best known for her role on the sitcom "Friends". Sandra can currently be seen in "The Net" and starred opposite Keanu Reeves in "Speed". They are both fetchingly arrayed in matching blue bikinis and are limbering up on the side of the pit, getting ready for their match.

"The red team, planning to snatch victory from them, include the well known stars Sharon Stone and Jamie Lee Curtis. Sharon, of course, gained international notoriety and stardom in the film "Basic Instinct", while Jamie Lee has a long film history, though I believe I like to remember her best for her roles in "Perfect" and "True Lies". The red team, not surprisingly, are dressed in red bikinis, and they certainly have the bodies for them. In some ways, we really have the blondes versus the brunettes in this one."

"Yes, Rob, and look at those puppies bounce as they do their jumping jacks! I only wish my father had lived to see this."

"You don't even know who your father is, Dennis, but I appreciate the sentiment. The ladies seem ready to begin and do not seem at all hesitant as did one of our previous contestants. This time it is the Messy Fun crew that helps them into the pit, generously bestowing kisses of good luck upon the women, whether they want them or not. I think Jill can see the scene better from down there, Jill?"

"Yeah? What? I didn't do nothing! I swear!"

"Could you please describe what you see from your vantage point? And please stop playing with your gum."

"Oh! Sure! Well, y'know, I can see Sharon sticking her legs into the mud now, and it is making a nice, like, sucking sound as they slide in, almost like they were boots made just for her, y'know? She's got a dreamy expression on her face and seems to be biting her lip. Woah, dude, Courtney and Sandra are lowering themselves into the mud, almost trying to sit down, like, and the mud is oozing up their tummies as I watch! They have the biggest grins on as they slide into the mud. I am like sooooo jealous. Woah, this is, like, almost kinky. I think they're, like, trying to make themselves slippery so the red team can't get a good hold, y'know?"

"Rob seems to have developed a headache, as he's squeezing his temples between his fists, but thanks, Jill. I see the refs are signalling it's time for the match to begin. They are circling each other now, and the mud is dripping off Courtney and Sandra as they bob back and forth. Sandra makes a quick move at Sharon, but her hand slips off Sharon's bicep, leaving a nice streak of mud there. The mud made Sandra and Courtney slick, but it may have backfired on them as well, as their hands are also now slippery and may not be able to get a good hold."

"Yes, Dennis, but oh, look! Jamie Lee has made her move on Courtney! She has launched herself across the mud and hit her with a shoulder to the midriff. Courtney stumbles backwards, stumbles, falls on her back with a slick splat. Jamie is on top of her in a second, not wasting her advantage. Jill, can you see what's going on?"

"Yes, Rob, I can."

"Jill, would you please tell us!"

"Oh! Right! Gosh! Well, Jamie Lee is like straddling Courtney and has her hands on her shoulders, trying to keep Court from squirming away. They are both easing down into the mud as gravity rules, but if Courtney doesn't make a...wait, gosh, Courtney just reached up and grabbed Jamie Lee's top and pulled it down! Woah, dudes! The crowd is on their feet! Do you think those are real? Jamie didn't appreciate that, and she, woah! Awesome, girl! She just pushed her boobs into Courtney's face, using them to push her under the mud too. Courtney is trying to get away, but those ladies aren't easy to escape. As she tries to pull her head way, she's like pushing it into the mud herself! And Courtney is under, but so are Jamie Lee's boobs! Awesome! What a match, for sure!"

"Yes, Jill, thanks for that interesting report. But Sandra and Sharon haven't been simply observing all this either. They are locked in a dancing embrace at the moment, neither one willing to be the first to fall. It seems the two are quite evenly matched, and I can almost hear the snarl of expletives from up here in the booth. And, wait, Sharon seems to have lost her balance, she's teetering, yes! She's down, and Sandra acts upon it quickly. Sharon is trying to use those famous thighs to grab Sandra, but she's too slow! Using Sharon as a platform, Sandra is struggling up on top of her and sits on Sharon's chest, rocking back and forth, bouncing up and down, using all her weight to push Sharon under. Sharon is grabbing handfuls of clay and is tossing them at Sandra, splatting gooey clay all over her to no effect. As Sharon goes under her hand emerges and flips off Sandra, but it is too late. Sandra has won her match."

"So that makes it a tie, Rob, as one blue team and one red team member won."

"That's right, Dennis, and we may have to have a final match between Sandra and Jamie Lee later in the proceedings. But now, it's back to Laura at the next event. Laura?"

"That's right, Rob. But this isn't an event per se, more of a specific charity fund raising booth. As you can see, I have taken off my messy bodysuit and replaced it with a black bikini as I am going to demonstrate how this booth works, along with my friends Linnea Quigley, Julie K. Smith, and Monique Gabrielle. Your discerning critics are unlikely to be familiar with their work, and that's why such critics haven't been invited to today's events."

"Yeah, and those critics can just kiss my ass!"

"Thank you, Linnea, now kindly turn around and stop showing off said ass. There's nobody here to kiss it, I assure you."

"Don't be so sure of that, Laura."

"Butt out, Rob. At any rate, Linnea and her friends are stars of what are commonly referred to as "B" films, and usually are never seen in actual theatres, but go directly to video."

"That's right, Laura. Our films tend to focus on, well, these."

"Very impressive, Monique, now please put your top back on before you put somebody's eye out."

"Oh yeah, if you think those are impressive, take a look here!"

"Mmmphh, um, goodness, help me, mammy! Julie, warn me next time! I thought I was in the middle of a pillow fight all of a sudden! At any rate, Rob, I can guarentee you that we have some serious female pulchitrude on display here, and a crowd that is very eager to see it in the mud!"

"So why don't you quit yapping and get to it!"

"Patience, Rob. At any rate, the four of us are sitting on a set of four benches, and like the traditional dunking booth, the bench is dislodged when a ball strikes the target attached to the bench. Our audience can pay five dollars for three balls, with again, the proceeds going to our charity fund. Each of us has a separate bench, and so the last person dunked will be the winner of the event."

"Yeah, Laura, but this isn't a normal dunking booth!"

"You're right, Linnea, it isn't. Because instead of water below us..."

"There's a big, gooey pool of deep, black sucking mud!"

"Right you are, Monique, and judging by the way you are squirming around on your seat, you are ready to get in! What a sport you are! Of course, the added challenge to this event is that those who get dunked first will need to try to keep their heads above the mud until the last person is dunked!"

"No problem! I'm not going down first!"

"That's not what the directors of your previous films said, Julie, but I guess we will have to see."

"Hey, who's that?"

"Why, Linnea, that's none other than Rob Banks moving through the crowd. He sure is moving fast towards us! Why, Rob, what are you doing h..."

"Woah! That's not fair! He didn't pay five dollars, and he punched Laura's target, he didn't throw the ball!"

"Sorry, Monique, but Laura needed to demonstrate, not just talk about it."

"Mmm, but I'm in the mud now! Boy it is thick and deep, I have to say. Let me just wriggle my hips in a little deeper. Oh yeah, that's good. Great texture in this mud, very soft and warm. That's really good. Mmm. Could somebody take this mike from me?"

"Hi, this is Julie K. Smith, filling in for Laura Fen as she works her way deeper and deeper into the mud below us. It is making some wonderful slurping noises as it welcomes her in. She really seems to be having a good time in there. Her eyes sure have a dreamy expression to them. Do you think we should join her?"

"But I thought we were supposed to try to stay out of the mud as long as we could?"

"Yeah, Monique, but look how much fun she is having!"

"You're right, Linnea, last one in is a rotten egg!"


"Ooooooooh! Mmmmmm! Ah ah aaaaaah!"

"Ssssss, ahhhhhh."

"Rob, this is Dennis, what is going on down there?"

"Oh, the humanity, Dennis, I can't believe it! It's utter chaos! Nothing but breasts, butts, and bog!

"Quite nice, actually."

"But Rob, how will the winner be determined?"

"Frankly, Dennis, I think the audience is the winner in this event. I must say, they are really working themselves down into the mud as well. Has anyone got a rope to help pull them out? No? Well, let's not mention that to the ladies just yet, shall we? I'd hate for them to stop wriggling around already."

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, while Rob finishes observing the current event and then takes his cold shower, we will move on to the next and final event in today's first round of challenges. Joining me in the booth to describe this event is amateur bog babe, Rachel Tracy. Rachel is a cute, long haired redhead who has increased the heat in this already humid booth by wearing a translucent t-shirt that just begs to be spattered."

"Thank you, Dennis, and we'll see what we can do about it before the day is out."

"I'll hold you to that, Rachel, or in it, as the case may be. We've invited Rachel here as she was the creator of the next challenge."

"That's right, Dennis, it's based on a game my boyfriend and I made up. I call it the quicksand race."

"Quicksand race? Sounds exciting."

"You've no idea!"

"How does it work?"

"Well, Dennis, our contestants will all begin at the starting line and then will race to the quicksand bog fifty yards across the field. They will then throw themselves into the quicksand. The first contestant to completely submerge herself under the mire will be declared the winner!"

"Sounds like a game you can only win once, Rachel!"

"Ha, well, it all depends on how long you can hold your breath, and I have great lung capacity. See!"

"Homina homina homina! Nice demonstration! Maybe we better go back down to the field to interview some of the contestants!"

"I'm back, Dennis!"

"Laura! I can hardly recognize you beneath that coating of mud! Who won that last event, by the way?"

"I can't tell you, Dennis. When I climbed out, Rob had jumped in to take my place. But business before pleasure, and so I'm here to interview some of the contestants for the quicksand race. Standing beside me are, excuse me, is Anna Nicole Smith. Anna has for some reason elected to wear a sequined, low cut, evening gown for this event with black, spiked high heels. Not much good for running in, but it should be interesting watching her try to move in that outfit. Anna, thanks for joining me."

"I married him because I love him, not for his money."


"I just wanted to make that clear. And now he's gone, and the SOB hardly left me a thing! But I'm not bitter, oh no, I'm not bitter, the #^&(&*$@!"

"Anna, what are you talking about?"


"Anna, have you ever been in quicksand before?"

"Quicksand, what?"

"Anna, you are here for the quicksand race?"

"What? Race? I don't know. My attorney just told me to come here and run to the other end of the field as fast as I could. I don't know why he wanted me to do that, but he said to jump up and down a lot when I got there. He insisted it was really important that I do that. He said it would help pay for his fees. Is that what I'm supposed to do?"

"Anna, you are one of a kind."

"No, two."

"I stand corrected. I wish you luck. Believe me, I do hope you win this event with all my heart."

"Why thank you!"

"Well, Dennis, that was interesting. Clearly a woman who has made it by sheer intellect and determination. Rather an inspiration to young girls everywhere. At any rate, some of the other contestants in the quicksand race include Sybil Danning, the blonde actress best known for the action roles and the dexterity she can display in removing her blouse. Today she has foregone the blouse for a striking snakeskin bikini that reveals a marvelous tan. Anyone else here wondering if there are tan lines? Next to her is the lovely Brooke Shields, looking as virginal as ever in a white blouse, tweed jacket, and grey slacks. Many feel she is a favorite for today's event, provided she can sink her body as quickly as her career. Next to her is Christina Applegate, best known as Kelly Bundy, and she has opted for the teen slut look, which appears very popular amongst our audience today. And who said tube tops make you look cheap! Alongside her, applying a liberal coating of sun tan oil, perhaps in the belief it will allow her to slide beneath the surface even faster, is "Sports Illustrated" favorite, Kathy Ireland. She is wearing a red, white, and blue swimsuit and seems to be quite in shape."

"They all look beautiful from up here, Laura."

"Indeed they are, Dennis. And now next to me is our special correspondent and contestant, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. She is wearing a special clip on microphone so she will be able to give a running commentary on this event. Elvira is looking stunning in her trademark black dress and cleavage. Elvira, what do you think your chances are of winning today's event?"

"Laura, it is a shoe in, and a butt in, and a bust in, in that order! I am hot, I am primed, I am ready to be slimed! Let's face it, who has more experience with quicksand than the Mistress of the Dark!"

"Convincing argument, El, but they seem ready to win."

"Don't worry, I'll be sucking mud before their chins are wet!"

"I wish you the best. Now you better go join the rest of the ladies, as the judge is lining them up and it looks like the competition is about to begin! Dennis!"

"No, it's Rob. I'm back, showered off, and ready to continue. Dennis and Rachel have mysteriously disappeared, so I'm at the helm once more. I can see the judge raise his gun to start the race, and he fires. Oh no! Christina is down! Didn't we warn him about using blanks? Oh well, let's go down to our miked participant, Elvira."

"Huh huh huh."

"Hmm, she appears too busy running to talk at the moment, Laura?"

"Well they were off the blocks fast, Rob, with Kathy Ireland leaping over Christina's body and taking a quick lead. Right behind her was Brooke Shields, looking quite determined, followed by Elvira, Sybil Danning, and bring up the rear (which somehow only seems appropirate) is Anna Nicole Smith. Kathy is really sending the dirt flying as she runs across the field, but Brooke and Elvira are gaining rapidly on her and are in fact in a virtual tie, with Elvira ahead by a cup."

"It looks like they are approaching the quicksand bog, Laura."

"Yes it does, and in fact Kathy has taken a great leap, clearing the edge and shooting for the center. That's good strategy on Kathy's part, as she is no doubt aware the bog will be less deep at the edges."

"True, Laura, but won't it also be soupier at the edges and quicker to sink into?"

"That's a debate among quicksanders, for sure, Rob, but obviously Kathy likes it nice and deep. But then, who doesn't? Let's go back over to Elvira as I believe I hear her audio coming through at last."

"Here I go! Unh, I've landed right behind Kathy and my jump got me about thigh deep in the quicksand. Next to me is Brooke and she has the queerest expression on her face. She's a definite rookie and I don't think she knew what to expect and may be rather surprised at the sensations she is currently experiencing. I can't see Kathy's face, but her buns are sure working furiously as they begin settling into the thick, light brown sand. Seeing those muscles clenching and unclenching, I can understand how she got in first."

"Can you describe the sand for our listeners, Elvira?"

"It is quality quicksand, which should not surprise anyone. The best I've been in for quite awhile. It's a nice, warm brown, sort of tan in color, and quite thick, which makes the descent slower but also extends the sensations. It's fairly warm in temperature, about the same as bath water, and while sandy, it is slick enough that it's not abrasive. I'm pumping my thighs as rapidly as the clutching sand will allow, but it's pretty tough work and I'm working up a sweat."

"How about your challengers?"

"Well, Laura, Kathy's rump is about halfway down now but she continues to writhe about, not wanting to let the quicksand take it's sweet time. Next to me, Brooke seems to be frozen, clearly a quicksand virgin, and is just staring down at her legs as the quicksand eases her in. She's about thigh deep as well, and the watermarks on her slacks is creeping up inches ahead of the quicksand. Looking behind me, I see Sybil looking annoyed as she landed in the edge of the quicksand and she is trying to make her way into the deeper part where she can sink, but that is going to cost her time. Anna Nicole is looking quite perplexed and is lifting the hem of her dress up and staring in bewilderment at the mud about her knees. Remember to bounce, Anna! Ah, she heard that and is starting to hop and down. Goodness, she makes me look like a boy!"

"So it looks like Kathy is the leader at this point, with Elvira second, followed by Brooke, Sybil, and Anna."

"Yeah, but I'm gaining! The quicksand is now rubbing against my, mmm, ah, what is this broadcast rated anyway? Well, let's just say it feels very nice where the quicksand is touching me right now, and if it weren't for the race, I might try to linger a bit longer. Yeah, this is a nice feeling. But, onwards and downwards to victory! I can feel the quicksand becoming a bit looser as I wriggle more and more into it and I think I'm going down a bit faster. It's now about my hips and I think I'm in at about the same level as Kathy now."

"Indeed you are, Elvira. Keep it up!"

"Up! I thought I was trying to get it down! Sheesh, make up your mind already!"

"Never mind him, El. You go girl!"

"Fine, Laura, and let me take a moment to remind our listeners at home not to try this on your own. These events are being staged by professionals. Back to you, Laura and Elvira."

"Right. How's it going, Elvira?"

"Am I allowed to say that I'm suddenly very horny?"

"Uh, well, we can edit that out later, Elvira."

"Okay, 'cause boy, I sure wish I had a partner in here right now. Hey, Brooke, wouldn't a sit and spin be great at the moment! What are you blushing for? Hey, and what are your hands doing under the quicksand anyway?"


"Huh, oh yeah! Well, the quicksand is right under my bread winners right now, and I think I've finally gotten ahead of Kathy. She seems to be taking a breather from her struggles, and so I'm taking advantage of that. I'm working my shoulders about to try and get myself under, but I really feel trapped in here at the moment. Not to worry, it won't stop me. But if it weren't for my industrial strength bra, I think I'd be popping out about now."

"Yes, Elvira, I can see the quicksand starting it's trip up your cleavage. Tell the audience, how does it feel?"

"Mmm, let's just say that I am going to get one of these pits installed at my home as soon as this contest is over. Hey, what gives?"

"What's the problem, Elvira?"

"I'm slowing down! My assets are on the rise!"

"Ah, it's the infamous boob buoyancy factor. There has been much speculation what effect that would have on this event. I can see Anna is encountering the same problem, and seems to be bobbing at breast level. This is where Brooke and Kathy really have a chance to take the lead."

"Over my dead body!"

"Look at Elvira struggle, Laura! Look at her bounce! God, just look at her!"

"Indeed I am, Rob, and she's has broken the breast barrier! Those pearly orbs have taken a dive at last!"

"I'm in up to my shoulders now, Laura, and it won't be much longer now. I can see Kathy is not quite as deep, though she's struggling again, apparently getting her second wind. But I can feel the quicksand on my chin now. This feels amazing. I haven't had so much fun since the California mudslides. I can feel it under my lips now! It's up to my, my, mummmph, glurb, gibb..."

"She's almost there, Rob, and all I can see are her eyes and beehive poking out of the bog! Kathy is working hard to catch up to her, but the sand is just bouncing around her chin and I don't think she can make it. No, no, and there go Elvira's eyes under the quicksand, and she is really churning that bog into a froth as she tries to get the top of her head under. Or is she trying to get a breath? Well, at this point it's all the same, isn't it folks? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand, she's done it! Elvira is under the quicksand! Only a few tresses of hair remain floating on the quivering surface, and the judges rule that she is under! Elvira wins! And there goes Kathy Ireland sliding under the surface behind her in a close second leaving her own trail of brunette hair easing down behind her."

"And are the paramedics standing by to pull them out, Laura?"

"Yes, yes they are, Rob and they're diving in now to pull out our contestants. But wait! Here come Dennis and Rachel and they are diving in too! The more the merrier I suppose! But that's the way this whole day has gone, Rob, just more and more enthusiasm for these wonderful events. I have to say that quicksand looks mighty inviting myself!"

"Well, Laura, be my guest, after all it has been a busy day."

"Goodbye, Rob, and thanks everyone for listening. Here I gooooooo!"

"And ladies and gentlemen, that about wraps it up for our first annual charity event. I want to thank all the celebrities who donated their time and bodies for today's events, as well as the listeners at home who opened up their checkbooks. I think everybody here had a good time, and I hope you did too. With enough public support, we may be able to make this an annual event. My best to you all, and keep your feet in the bog and keep reaching for the vine."

copyright 1995 Kaol


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