10. "Accidentally" knock her into quicksand and then comment that she's never looked more beautiful than she does at that moment.

9. Purchase one of Kaol's quicksand videos (a bargain at any price: http://www.wamsat.com/kaolsand/Qvideo.htm) and make her watch, suggesting it is an 'art' film.

8. Suggest a vacation at the Great Dismal Swamp rather than Virginia Beach this summer.

7. Get the Barbi Twins to put up a billboard of themselves in quicksand. Drive by and mention to your sweetheart how sexy that looks.

6. Before making love, tell her you want to "sink into her quicksand".

5. Lead her into quicksand, and as you sink, propose marriage. From then on, she'll always want to return to your romantic 'special place'.

4. Watch your video of "Tarzan's Hidden Jungle" before bed. After the quicksand scene, turn off the VCR and jump her bones. Repeat nightly until she makes the connection.

3. Print out the old Jiminy Thicket story archive, have it bound in leather, and give it to her on her birthday.

2. Tell her you've got good news and bad news. The good news is you're not having an affair, are not into watersports, diapers, enemas, amputees, or body piercing. The bad news is...

1. Get your own sitcom on ABC and get a media blitz going behind your 'coming out' episode.

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THIS PAGE CREATED ON January 17, 1998

1998 Kaol