Due to reports from Santa that MOST EVERYONE on this list has been EXTREMELY NAUGHTY this past year, we were left with two options: give everybody a lump of coal, or force everyone to read another one of these stupid reports. Since the moderator's settings for this list don't allow attaching lumps of coal to email postings, the choice was easy. We sincerely hope that this spurs you all to be better little campers in 2001 than you were in 2000 (special aside to QS Kid: we'd better NOT hear any more reports about you and that duck...)!

The BinkyWare Internet Quicksand Report #3 is brought to you by:

HOW TO USE THIS REPORT: Our comments on the site come first, followed by the URL (if we didn't suffer brain fade and forget it completely) and then some text of interest from the site itself. Again, we at BinkyWare would just like to assure everyone concerned that absolutely no hedgehogs were harmed in the compilation of this report. So, campers, set your Decoder Rings to "discredit," throw an extra mime on the cheery fire, pull up a convenient duck and subject your cerebral cortex to stuff that's so weird that even Quentin Tarrentino can't figure out what to do with it!

DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATIONAL VACATIONS THAT NEVERTHELESS INVOLVE
DOING FUN YUCKY THINGS, WESTERN DIVISION

Well, those of us who've actually donnit keep telling us that ain't donnit that you just can't hardly go all the way under in quicksand. Well, here's a Web page with pics of this guy's vacation, wherein he steps into a pit of quicksand while holding "a large rock" and still doesn't completely submerge. Betcha if you gave *me* enough rocks and a bunch of rope, *I* could make him stay down!

http://home.pacifier.com/~ppenn/glenstart.html

"Memories a scrapbook of enchanted places"

(Caption under photo at upper right): "Quicksand is very buoyant. I'm hanging onto a large rock and still can't stay down."

GREAT-GAMES-THAT-SANK-BOTH-MY-BROWSERS DEPARTMENT

The page is titled "Save Dr. Dotty from the Quicksand." It appears to be one of those clever little Web pages that have a little game of skill written in the Javascript Web page scripting language. Problem is, it seems to be a little *too* clever for both my Netscape Navigator and Internet Explorer browsers, both of which load up a nice jungle graphic then proceed to shout JAVASCRIPT ERROR at me. Damn! This little page has had my curiosity up for MONTHS now...maybe the rest of you can successfully load the page and tell me WHAT THE HELL this game does!

http://www.yasd.com/games/dotty/dotty1.asp

"Save Dr. Dotty from the Quicksand"

GARY-LARSON-SCHOOL-OF-MACABRE-CARTOONING, GOLF DEPARTMENT

Well, Larson's the Old Master of Bizarre Cartoon Humor ('The Far Side'), but this Mitch Crenshaw is certainly an up-and-coming Young Grasshopper on the scene (he said, having watched entirely too many rerun episodes of "Kung Fu").

http://www.wolfenet.com/~hsgraphx/quicksndhtm.htm

"LEFT FIELD by Mitch Crenshaw"

(Caption; one bird to another in a tree watching a golfer sinking to his doom in the sand trap below): "I love this hole."

DON'T-DRINK-THE-WATER DEPARTMENT

THE PLACE: Poison Spring Canyon, Henry Mountains, Utah.
THE ACTORS: Nice, shiny new off-road vehicles.
THE PLOT: If you can't guess, we ain't tellin'.

http://members.nbci.com/gedeonp/quicksand/quicksand.html

"In and Out of Quicksand An Adventure in Poison Spring Canyon by Gedeon Peteri with photography by Ágnes Péteri and Attila Király"

(See several pics of a couple of trucks stuck in Utah quicksand)

IS-IT-MY-IMAGINATION,-OR-ARE-THE-CANYON-WALLS GETTING-
HIGHER? DEPARTMENT

While hiking the Grand Canyon, this fellow slips on a rock spraining his ankle, falls face down into quicksand and is in danger of drowning because of his heavy backpack! Is THIS a vacation, OR WHAT?! WHERE DO I SIGN UP?!!!

http://www.amwest-travel.com/awt_grandc2.html

(Text adjacent to Point 9 photo halfway down the page):

"Left, the site of our second night camp on Kanab Creek (just past point 8). This part of the creek was fairly easy to walk. However as the day wore on, the canyon narrowed and progress became more difficult. We were faced with more stream crossings, boulders, and obstacles. Backpacks had to be removed a couple times to scramble down steep dropoffs. Late in the afternoon, I slipped on a loose rock crossing the stream, spraining my ankle horribly, and flipping headfirst into a pool of quicksand with my backpack pinning my face half in the mud (point 9, picture right was nearby). Anxious moments ensued while Gerry yanked the pack off of my head."

OH,-RETCHED-DISILLUSIONMENT-AT-THE-HANDS-OF-THE- ENTERTAINMENT-INDUSTRY! DEPARTMENT

"Get Lost Magazine." Sort of a catchy title, isn't it? Author Leslie Strom has a nice little bit here about her first experience with quicksand. She reports that it's *not* like it's depicted on television. I didn't read the rest of the piece, for fear that she'd reveal that "Jurassic Park" was *not* a documentary... NOTE: Don't *even* ask what "carp-bonking" is, especially if some of your friends or loved ones are carp.

http://www.getlostmagazine.com/dumbass/1999/9907potholes/potholes.html

(LOVE the URL...)

(Page Title): "Quicksand, Yellow-Headed Blackbirds, and Carp-Bonking: Canoeing the Potholes Reservoir."

(Text about 2/3rds down the page): "The final things packed, we pushed off from the island and set out to find a waterfall Tory knew to be nearby. We got to a place where a river ran into a lake canal, and were stopped by a small drop. This is the waterfall? We could hear another bigger one roaring a distance away. We pulled the boat up on the bank, Tory got out and grew shorter and shorter. He pried himself out of the mud and got back in the boat. "Quicksand." Wow! I want to experience quicksand! So I got out of the boat, slowly sank into the mud, didn't like it at all, and got back in the boat. It was thick enough to scamper across in a sloppy fashion, not the watery kind of quicksand that we saw on 60's tv westerns where the bad guy would throw the good guys into quicksand then walk away to leave them to sink to their death (and as I recall, the bad guy usually met the same fate, only fatally, nothing but an outstretched arm sticking out of the muck)."

WE'D-PULL-THAT-DINO-OUT,-BUT-THE-DING-DANG-JEEP'S- STUCK,-TOO DEPARTMENT

Interesting little Web site about Kariba, "Africa's best-kept secret." Gotta admit, they got a point there--I wouldn't know Kariba, Africa from Calgary, Alberta! Anyway, this page is notable because it seems to confirm something I've been wondering about: did dinosaurs ever get trapped in quicksand and die, leaving untouched bones for us to find millions of years later?

http://www.karibapa.co.zw/aboutkariba/aboutkariba.html

(Text about 2/3rds of the way down the page, under "Paleontology" heading) "Professional excavations rapidly followed revealing the pelvis, sacrum, a hind leg, part of the tail and other fragments. From these it was possible to reconstruct that the dinosaur died, probably trapped in a quicksand, the right way up. The presence of pillowed lavas and crossbedded sandstones indicate a local oasis environment in the otherwise desert terrain then prevailing. "Vulcanodon had a long neck and tail, was about 6.5 metres from its nose to the tip of the tail, and fully extended probably stood some 4 metres in height."

GUYS-HANGING-AROUND-FAMOUS-BIOLOGISTS-AND-FALLING- INTO-QUICKSAND
DEPARTMENT, HEAVILY ARMED DIVISION

Nothing really spectacular here...I'm just a bit of a history buff, and I dig little snippets like this from the past. This Web page has transcripts from the journal of Syms Covington, who apparently traveled with Darwin during the HMS Beagle's epic journeys of discovery.

http://www.asap.unimelb.edu.au/bsparcs/covingto/chap_4.htm

(Footnote 102, about 7/8ths down the page): "102 We learn from one of Darwin's letters that Covington fell into quicksand, nearly losing his life. He did lose Darwin's gun [Barlow 1946: 93]."

TRAVEL-THE-WORLD,-EXPAND-YOUR-HORIZONS,-GET-TRAPPED- IN-DEADLY-QUICKSAND DEPARTMENT

I've always wanted to see new Zealand, and now that it's QUICKSAND SEASON on Cape Reinga, WHY WAIT?! Contact your travel agent TODAY!

http://www.newzealandtours.com/Getting_around/coach.html

(Text about 1/4 of the way down the page): "Day 4 Cape Reinga (BLD) Today enjoy an exciting day tour to the very top of New Zealand. Highlights of our journey include the drive alongside the waves on mighty Ninety Mile Beach and careful negotiation of the Te Paki quicksand stream. Visit the lighthouse at Cape Reinga where you will experience spectacular views including the dramatic meeting of the Pacific Ocean and Tasman Sea. During your journey enjoy a delicious picnic lunch at a beautiful scenic spot."

QUICKSAND-IN-DESIGNER-COLORS DEPARTMENT, AMERICAN SAMOA FIELD OFFICE

Sounds like a pretty intriguing place, this Pala Lake (any relation to Veronica Lake?). BONUS OFFER: If you can pronounce "Aunu'u," you'll receive THREE DAYS, FIVE NIGHTS in Mason City, Iowa!!! Alas, no pictures of this spot with "fiery red quicksand."

http://www.hmas.com.au/Pacific03.htm

"DESTINATION AMERICAN SAMOA" (Text about 1/5th of the way down): "Aunu'u Island Fifteen minutes by ferry from Tutuila is the tiny, quiet island of Aunu'u. Easily explorable in a day (but don't go on Sunday; you won't be welcome), the island is an easily accessible respite from the traffic chaos of Pago Pago. Pala Lake is a beautiful expanse of fiery red quicksand; extraordinary from the edge, deadly in the middle. On the far side of the island from the ferry harbour is Ma'ama'a Cove, a cauldron of surf, spray and rocks. It's a wild, entertaining natural display, and a perfect place to eat a packed lunch."

I-WAS-ATTACKED-BY-KILLER-CHIPMUNKS-AND-LIVED-TO- TELL-ABOUT-IT DEPARTMENT, FLORIDA FIELD OFFICE

All I gotta say is, they'd better be DAMNED IMPORTANT chipmunks for me to risk a terminal mudbath for. Like, chipmunks who can get me a date with Nikki Cox or can score me tickets to the Super Bowl or something.

http://www.wildflorida.tlh.fl.us/misc/chipmunk.html

"Stalking the Florida Chipmunk A quest to photograph the state's most elusive mammal (or it at least it seems that way)"

(Text about halfway down the page): "I returned to the forest in early April, this time alone. Having decide that Kennedy bridge was too far south and west, I headed up to Karick Lake, which, as near as I could tell, was right in the heart of Florida chipmunk country. I followed the Jackson Trail until it headed across the earthwork dam, then struck down into the hardwood forest surrounding Karick Creek (which drains the lake). It was swampy and thick, and at one point I encountered some of that oozing, slick black mud that can be found in many Florida bottomlands. Technically it's not quicksand, but when you're thigh-deep in it and sinking fast, the difference is largely academic. I managed to grab onto an overhanging branch and pull myself out."

ABSOLUTELY-GORGEOUS-PLACES-WHOSE-NAMES-SOUND-LIKE- SOMEBODY-HAS-FLATULANCE-REAL-BAD DEPARTMENT

Mountain Lagoon sounds very lovely, and Colo Meroo has a really intriguing ring to it...but I think I'll avoid Tootie Creek (Oops! Excuse ME...). This is in Australia, and the pictures look *real* wonderful (Oh, MY! I really need to cut back on the carbohydrates...)

http://www.galactic.net.au/bushwalking/parks/Wollemi/walk82.html

"Mountain Lagoon to Colo Meroo to Tootie Creek to Mountain Lagoon Wollemi National Park" (Text less than halfway down the page): "The river is dotted with large sandbanks and for the first hour we spent about equal time walking alternately on them and wading in calf-deep water. A couple of times people misguessed which way to go and ended up waist-deep in the water, but mostly it was pretty easy going. There are large areas of the river bottom that are covered in quicksand. Only 6 to 12 inches deep for the most part but enough to be quite annoying when your foot never ends up where you think it should. Even on the sandbank, people were up to their knees at times in quicksand, which was amusing ... as long as you had taken a different path!"

MORE-BIRD-BRAINS-CHASING-BIRDS DEPARTMENT

Hey, kids! What say we hike 5 hours through the humid, fetid Ecuadorian jungle and slog through vast pools of bottomless quagmire to catch a peek at a stupid bird? Whaddya say?! In the meantime, I'll wait for you in that bar in Quito and sit around drinking delicious Ecuadorian Hog Snout Beer until you return...

http://www.tri-bal.com/ecuador/laselva4.shtml

"La Selva Lodge: The Last March"

(Text right beneath two pics at top of page): "The final full day at La Selva, we head to the tower by 7am. Today, ther isn't much avian action, but we do spot a pair of beautiful double-toothed kites. From the tower, we have our most aggressive hike, and march for about five hours through the underbrush. The trail narrows, and zigzags over the hills, and at times we hit enormous patches of quicksand. This IS quicksand! I stepped in a patch, and it looks like stable ground, except for being a bit muddy, and sank to my knee, filling my rubber boot with mud, and water. That was at the beginning of the hike too. Daniel cut saplings along the way and put them alongside logs in the quicksand for support."

THE-TERRIBLE-TOADS-OF-TERROR DEPARTMENT, FICTION AISLE

How 'bout a little fiction to round out this report? Author James Ambuehl's short story about giant killer toads is found on the nicely designed Nightscapes Web site. Gosh, you just gotta LOVE a story with BOTH mutant killer toads AND man-swallowing quicksand!

http://www.toddalan.com/~berglund/ns1fic2.htm

"'The Terror of Toad Lake' by James Ambuehl"

(Text excerpt from a little over halfway down the page): "Skirting the lakeshore to the south -- which seemed the likeliest avenue of escape since it was thickly-forested and would provide adequate cover for the fleeing felons -- they found a cluster of abandoned boats and canoes dragged up on the shore. They drew their own boats ashore and began their way on foot once more. They were but a few steps along when two members of the party sank almost immediately out of sight in a bog of quicksand. Three more men became mired, and the others rushed to help them when they heard a loud splashing noise coming from behind them. Torches were swung around and rifles were brought to bear, but what the heavily-armed men saw rushing upon them made them quake with terror in their boots. Two monstrous toads again half as tall as a man hopped horribly toward them, claws flexing horridly and fangs glinting evilly in the moonlight. Two more of their party were ripped to bloody shreds by the dreadful beasts before they could gather their wits about them..."

OK, campers! That's it for BinkyWare Internet Quicksand Report #3! I'm WARNING YOU...I'd better start seeing some improvement in this group's behavior, or there WILL be an Internet Quicksand Report NUMBER FOUR!

Trying to get this Florida man-eating chipmunk to let loose of his upper lip,

Dr. Yen
Director, Product Development
BinkyWare Marginal Industries
"BinkyWare--A FREE Aunt Mamie's Possum Pot Pie in EVERY Box!!!"