By Kaol, art by Robin N.

ATTENTION! This story is rated PG-13. It contains a fair amount of sexual innuendo, but nothing (IMHO) blatant. It features light bondage, cement, quicksand, and primarily females involved in the same. It was also written a few years ago by me, and is meant as something of a comic book superhero parody. Some of the humor is a bit off the wall, and even I flinch at bits. This story was previously printed in THE AGE OF SUPERHEROES 'zine. Comments are always welcome, good or bad, and feel free to share this with anyone you like, but remember where you got it.

Once upon a time, in a world very much like our own (but different too, so I guess it was actually pretty much like our own. No, now that I think about it, it was really quite a bit different, but for the sake of argument we'll just say they were sort of similar), there lived a very evil man called Dr. Evil. Yeah, well, it really was his name so get off my back. At any rate, this man liked to do evil things (hence his name, get it?). Anything that was bad or rotten was fun to him. His idea of a good time was to sit around evenings forcing his relatives to watch Punky Brewster reruns while singing the Barry Manilow songbook alphabetically. It makes one shiver to think of it, doesn't it? Yes, of course it does.

There were only two people in the world who could cause Dr. Evil any concern. They were as wholesome as he was evil. One of them was called Superguy, an infinitely infantile tag to saddle an individual with, granted, but he spent too much time being good to notice. The other hero was actually a heroine. Her name was Wonderlady. I can see some of you may have sat up and muttered something about trademark infringement. Hey, so sue me. (Er, just kidding!) Anyway, I'm just telling the tale. Wonderlady was Superguy's partner in heroics. Many felt that with such silly names it would have been impossible for them not to work together. Wonderlady and Superguy disagreed, and told Mr. Tom Many of this fact, and strongly suggested to him that he stop talking about them altogether.

But I digress. The two individuals mentioned above were your standard superhero types. Superguy sported a bright, flowing cape, red and blue tights, and spit curl. Wonderlady sported as little costume as was legal. With the use of their incredible superpowers, they had been the bane of Dr. Evil's existence, and had previously captured him and sent him off to prison. It was time to repeat this performance (off Broadway, of course), for the vile villain had recently escaped the Goodcity prison. Goodcity. It is a bit much to take, isn't it? What prison would name itself Goodcity? It's a stupid name. On the other hand, it is consistent with this story so far, isn't it?

A young reporter named Karen Kute had helped send Dr. Evil up the river (the location of the Goodcity Prison) by taking a picture of Dr. Evil performing unnatural (but incredibly flexible) biological acts with farm animals. Yes, Karen was one of the good guys, or gals, as the case may be. She was also a bit of a nymphette, which made her quite popular around the office. And outside the office. And on top of the office. And...well, you get the picture. Many felt her interest in cameras and zoom lenses had Freudian implications. Others felt that it had Millerian implications, being that young Joseph Millerian owned the camera shop that supplied her with all of her equipment. Dr. Evil wasn't particularly interested in the issue (as neither are you, most likely), and he was never heard to comment publicly on it. He had been known to comment that he would have revenge on Karen, however, which greatly worried Mr. Millerian.

In his secret hideout (Dr. Evil's, not Mr. Millerian's), Dr. Evil mulled over what to do.

"What to do? What to do?" mulled Dr. Evil out loud, in order to finally provide some dialogue to this story. "I must have revenge on Karen. But how? But how? It must be original, as I have some standards to maintain. A little sex and violence would be nice, but I guess it depends on who this story is targeted towards." He snapped his fingers, by tripping and falling on them the wrong way. He screamed in pain, "Ah ha! I have it! Multiple fractures and an idea!"

Quickly, Dr. Evil set his fingers and went to work on his disguise. Through the clever and obviously impossible use of makeup, he slowly transformed himself into the twin of Karen's brother, Felix. Thus arrayed, he drove into town to meet Karen at her quaint suburban home. That is, he had met her before, at his trial, but now he was going into town to entrap her. His ears fairly sweated with joy as he belched and waited for her to arrive at the door.

After approximately 17 seconds had passed, the door swung open, and there stood Karen, radiant as ever in a skimpy lion tamer's outfit. Chains and a whip were lightly clasped in one delicate hand. She smiled brightly when she saw Felix.

For those of you who are confused, I will remind you here that it really isn't Felix that Karen is smiling at. It's only Dr. Evil pretending to be Felix. But, of course, he isn't really Felix. Nor, for that matter, is Felix Dr. Evil. Nor is it likely that Felix ever had reason to dress up as Dr. Evil. I mean, I suppose it is possible that Felix dressed up as Dr. Evil at one point in his life, perhaps as part of a fraternity prank or something, but it's pretty irrelevant to the story if he did, right? But once again, I digress.

Karen spoke, "Why it's my brother, Felix! Golly, I was expecting someone else!"

Dr. Evil said, "Hello, Karen. How have you been?"

"Peachy. But I thought you were living in Alaska?" Karen replied, as she was in many respects a moron. Her brother lived in Alabama.

Dr. Evil grinned fraternally. "I was, but I was worried about you. I heard that swell villain, Dr. Evil, has escaped from that nasty nasty prison, so I wanted to make sure he couldn't harm you."

Karen's hand flew up and covered her mouth in astonishment, and her eyes bulged wide. "Murgh hnamyqudrt hebluginzas."

"Dear sister, I might understand you better if you took your hand away from your mouth." Which was, indeed, likely.

She complied. "Dr. Evil has escaped? Oh, what should I do? Oh, look, it's Superguy and Wonderlady!"

Dr. Evil muttered under his breath as he followed the path of Karen's polished fingernail skyward. Indeed, the two gothic archenemies of Dr. Evil could be seen flying straight for Karen's home. For a brief instant, Dr. Evil considered detonating the small thermonuclear weapon he had concealed in his left armpit. Instead, he decided to try worming his way out of the situation. The two heroes landed gracefully on Karen's lawn. When they recovered consciousness, they stumbled to their feet and ran up to her.

Superguy looked at them and spoke, "Hello, Karen. We came here to warn you that Dr. Evil is on the loose."

"On the loose what?" Karen asked.

Superguy paused for a moment, and then continued less confidently. "Yes, well. I mean, he escaped from prison."

Wonderlady, feeling terribly left out of the proceedings at this point, butted in, which she was anatomically well equipped to do. "We have come here to protect you. You know that he has sworn to get even with you because you helped send him to prison!" She smiled then and placed her hands on her hips as if she expected a photographer to come by and capture the historically histrionic moment.

Karen dropped her chains and whip and scooted over to Superguy. "I really appreciate your concern," she sighed heavily. "But my brother, Felix, is here now and will be able to protect me." She turned her head adoringly towards Dr. Evil.

He gave her a reassuring, mossy smile, and said, "Yes, that's right. I'll protect her from Dr. Evil. You two can go on. Just shoosh off. Go right ahead. Move along. There's nothing to see here."

Superguy ran his hand along his hair to make sure it was still perfect, and then pried Karen's body away from his. He walked over to Dr. Evil, then smiled in his most condescending manner (which takes a lot of practice when you run around in tights all day long). "I don't believe you know how dangerous he is, sir."

Dr. Evil grinned. "Oh, I think I do."

For those new to fine literature (and amateurish efforts like this as well), the above was a splendid example of the use of irony. I won't explain it here, but suffice to say that it is not produced in Pittsburgh and it's not taken as a vitamin supplement. At least not in most instances.

Wonderlady casually pried Karen's body from hers and walked over to join Superguy. "He's a master of disguises, and he could trick you into letting him into your house, Karen." She planted her feet shoulder width apart and placed her hands on her hips once again.

Superguy glanced at her sideways and considered pounding her into the earth and using her face as a soccer ball. He was finding her poses increasingly obnoxious and was also becoming jealous of all the attention Karen was beginning to show her. He looked back at Dr. Evil and made a mental note to try to get Wonderlady blown up in some adventure very soon. "He's a master scientist and has many types of evil weapons." Superguy then planted his own feet shoulder width apart, making sure that one was firmly planted on Wonderlady's foot. His hands went to his waist.

A glazed expression passed over Wonderlady's eyes and her voice sounded somewhat constricted as she continued, "I really think you would be wise to allow us to take you to our secret fortress, Karen. You really would be more safe there." Her body jiggled slightly as she tried to nonchalantly pull free her foot from under Superguy's.

Dr. Evil watched her predicament with hidden pleasure. With a little work, he thought, Superguy could be a great villain. "Thanks for your offer," he said. "But I can take care of my sister."

Wonderlady sighed and stumbled as she jerked her foot free. "Very well," she said, recovering her balance. "We must be moving on. Call us with your secret signal fingernail if you need us."

Karen released the paper boy and rejoined them. Blushing slightly, she nodded. "I certainly will."

"Well, we must be off," Superguy announced, in what was surely the understatement of the decade. They then leaped into the sky, leaving a disgusted Dr. Evil, an excited Karen, and a frustrated paper boy.

Dr. Evil turned to Karen who was gently massaging his upper arm. He was pleased with how effective his plans were coming along, and also that K.C. and the Sunshine Band were no longer being played on the radio. He cleared his throat and said, "I'm glad they're gone. Well, sister, I think those super weirdos had a point. Dr. Evil could easily find you here. (See irony, above. --ed.) Luckily, I know a secret place where nobody will find you." We, of course, know that is relative. Dr. Evil likely realizes that he will be able to find her, and possibly, through the use of meditation and a healthy diet, Karen can find herself.

"All right, Felix," moaned Karen, looking hay balefully up at him. "You know best."

Dr. Evil shook his elbows at her stupidity and wiped his hands clean. He grinned at how effective his ruse had been. No one even suspected that he was not Felix, except, perhaps, Felix. But this is not Felix's story. Felix is pretty normal and so we will let him continue on with his life in relative anonymity. At least until the story's sequel, if, God forbid, it ever has one.

Karen stood at Dr. Evil's side, chewing her lip and scanning up and down the street as if searching for something. Her eyes brightened as she seemingly found it. She started walking across the street towards an old man sitting on a bus stop. Dr. Evil scowled and yelped, "Karen, get your tush back here. We have to go. Remember, we need to hide from Dr. Evil?"

She frowned and gazed longingly back at the bus stop. "You never were any fun," she pouted petulantly.

I'll save you the details of the boring ride to Dr. Evil's home in the Sloppy Swamp, as it really isn't a very exciting drive. You've been in cars before. How much worth writing about actually happens in a car? Okay, I mean other than when you are a teenager? Well, anyway, not much usually happens. So instead we'll just pick up this story at the swamp, where the editor accidentally dropped it.

Some have suggested that along with this story, the swamp should also be picked up. But swamps don't take kindly to such suggestions, and when the most vocal members of the Anti-Swamp League were swallowed by a militant group of frogs one misty moisty morning, the protests against the swamp immediately halted. This led to a new tradition, whereby a young and buxom female was given up as a sacrifice each year. This met with enthusiastic approval by all those involved, except for the young girls, of course. But as they are always so busy being eaten by frogs they never do manage to lodge a formal complains. (Though on occasion, one has lodged in a frog's throat.)

Karen hopped enthusiastically out of the car and slammed the door shut. The sound was swallowed up by the creakings and whirrings of the swamp creatures and turbo jets from the local airport. She crinkled her lightly freckled nose in distaste. "Felix, where did you find a home in this disgusting swamp?"

Dr. Evil went around and gripped her by the elbow, guiding her towards his laboratory. He grinned at her, his heart pounding madly in his chest as he realized that she could not now escape. "One of my friends told me about it. It's totally away from the city. A young damsel in distress could scream her head off and nobody would be able to hear her here." He chuckled an evil, stereotyped laugh to himself.

Karen shuddered a stereotyped shudder as they entered the lab. "It gives me the creeps."

End Part One.

Start Part Two.

Up in the sky someplace, it doesn't really matter where, simply pictures clouds and sky and two people in strange outfits flying in the foreground. Yes, the figures are those of Superguy and Wonderlady, and if one were to listen carefully, one could hear them discussing their meeting at Karen Kute's house. Not their meeting, of course, for the two of them had known each other for a long time. Rather, the most recent meeting between them and Karen and Felix.

Wonderlady spoke first, disinterestedly knocking aside the pigeon rightfully surprised by the humanoid invasion of its territory. "I think Karen made a mistake in not accepting our protection. Maybe we should keep an eye on her anyway."

Superguy passed his hand over his face to wipe off the dead bugs collecting there. He held his hand in front of his mouth to prevent the eager critters access as he spoke, "Yes, I think that would be worthwhile. There was something about her brother I didn't like." Superguy had super senses, and so was rightly offended by Dr. Evil's unbrushed teeth. When you got right down to it. Superguy could act quite prissy at times.

Wonderlady had no idea what he was talking about, as her brain was not the most developed part of her body. She didn't like to let people know this, so she often agreed when she didn't understand. This, of course, made her look very foolish most often, and made Superguy look more furtively for an adventure that would blow her and her more developed parts into many smaller undeveloped parts. "I sensed something strange about him too. We better make sure she is safe." She looked at Superguy hopefully.

He turned to sneer at her and collided with an industrial smokestack. Which only goes to show you.

End Part Two.

Begin Part Three.

Back at Dr. Evil's laboratory, a miracle was in the making. Karen was having a flash of insight. Slowly, for no reason she could clearly define, she began to question if the man she was with was really her brother. He certainly seemed, well, different somehow. She tugged appraisingly at the ropes binding her arms behind her back. Felix had never been able to tie knots this tight. She had spent hours trying to teach him, but he'd never been able to quite capture the art form. Her eyebrows knotted together and she frowned as Dr. Evil began to pour cement over her feet. She wriggled her toes as the viscous fluid covered them. Her eyes shifted back to her brother, and she regarded him curiously. Kinky. My brother has definitely gotten kinky, she thought. Karen smiled. Good. It had taken him long enough, making him the black sheep of the family (and the only family member not interested in black sheep, coincidentally). Then a frown clouded her features once more. Nope. Not Felix. She took a breath and forced out the question, "Felix, why are you pouring cement into this pail that my feet are in?"

Imagine if you can, an exaggerated look of surprise. I could describe one, but it's easier if you picture one for yourself. Now multiply that by, oh, let's say three. Now, that is the look that came over Dr. Evil's face at the sound of that question. He sputtered like an old engine (nice metaphor, eh? or simile. I can never keep them straight) and said, "Cement? Oh, this isn't cement." He shook his head reassuringly. He shook his eyes too, but that went along with the territory. Yes, he did a saccade. (For those less in the know, that's just a fancy pants psychological perception term referring to the almost constant eye movements we all engage in. You can thank me later for expanding your vocabulary for no reason whatsoever.) "No, this is some stuff to make your feet feel better. Don't worry, Karen. I intend to take care of you."

And indeed he did, but we know what he really means, don't we? And if you don't, you were probably one of those people who thought Dr. Evil's name was a coincidence and you really should have hung it up a long time ago.

Karen licked her nose and thought about that, but she was on a mental streak and there was just no stopping the intellectual powerhouse she had suddenly become. She glanced down at the cement covering her ankles and moving up her shapely shins. Feeling reassured, she said, "Dear brother, I'm afraid you are mistaken. I know cement when I see it, and my feet are in it. Mmmm, it's hardening too." She found it difficult to wiggle her toes. She wiggled her ears instead. Luckily, her long hair covered her ears or Karen would have looked even more silly.

You all did a good job back there of picturing surprise. I mean it, you really did. Now let's go for astonishment. They are very similar, and if you can picture one, I'll bet you can picture the other. Have you got that fixed firmly on your brain? Okay, put it on Dr. Evil's face. No, not your brain, the astonished look. Good. I'll take over now. Dr. Evil then shrugged his shoulders. "Oh well, my mistake." Although it wasn't really. As he is an evil guy, he lied to her too.

Karen thrust out her lower lip and squinted at Dr. Evil. No, that definitely wasn't Felix. Suddenly her eyes widened in horror, as if she'd just stepped into a steaming pile of dog hair. "Oh no! I don't think you are my brother at all. My brother would never cement me in a bucket. You...you must be Dr. Evil!" Yup, she finally figured it out.

ZAPPO!

That was a scene transport beam. Now we are back at Karen Kute's house. So, however you pictured that scene before, do it again, but maybe add a few pretty birds for decoration.

With a rush of wind and a few chirps of dying birds, Superguy and Wonderlady crashed onto the lawn. (Next time, please picture the birds out of their flight path.) Wiping their feet on the grass, they approached the door. Wonderlady turned to Superguy. "We better knock the door down."

Superguy glanced back at her, wondering how she could have developed stupidity into such a fine art form in such a short life. He shook his head. "No, through the wall!"

Wonderlady brightened. "The wall! Brilliant, Superguy! I wish I had your baseball card collection!" Which was certainly true, but entirely irrelevant and consequently very typical.

Making a ruckus that only those with superpowers are capable of making, they smashed down the front of Karen's house and entered unnoticed. That was only because no one was there, which was quite lucky, actually. Superguy fanned the dust away and peered through the rubble. "She's gone. It's as I suspected, that wasn't her brother."

Wonderlady shook a brick out of her hair. "Don't jump to contusions, Superguy. Maybe she's gone to the store."

Superguy bent over and lifted an object from the rubble. Then he turned smugly to Wonderlady. "She wouldn't leave a card that says, 'Ha Ha Ha. This is Dr. Evil telling you superclods that I've kidnapped Karen Kute."

Bowing to this incredible display of insight, Wonderlady could only comment, "You're right. He has a hideout in the Sloppy Swamp. Perhaps she was taken there."

Superguy thrust out his jaw dramatically for the crowd that had gathered to see what had destroyed Karen's house. Staring at the nearest American flag, he lowered his voice and answered, "We've got no time to lose." A few in the crowd applauded.

Having nothing to say, Wonderlady merely thrust out her chest and stared meaningfully (but not very meaningfully) into the distance along with Superguy.

The crowd stared dramatically at Wonderlady.

Superguy was pissed. He was being upstaged by two large, physical attributes of Wonderlady's with which she had been gifted and in no way deserved. She was extremely proud of their large size and shape, and did all she could to keep them sticking out. Superguy tripped her for good measure as they left the ruins.

"I've never seen feet that size before," muttered one lusty lad.

"That's not what I'm staring at," breathed another with an elbow fetish.

However, time had not stood still at Dr. Evil's lab, which should not surprise anyone, as time does not ever stand still anywhere. Or if it does, nobody has been able to tell. Thus, for simplicity's sake, it is generally agreed that time does not stand still.

Karen was becoming increasingly worried. Dr. Evil had her bound up with her feet stuck solid in concrete, and he had yet to make a single pass at her. In consternation, she stood up while his back was turned. Realizing Dr. Evil did not know a good thing when he saw it, she resolved that it was time to find someone who did. Slowly, with her feet still in concrete, she began to hop for the door. For the sake of the raccoon perched on the window sill, she muttered to herself, "I've got to escape before Dr. Evil can decide what to do with me. I've already signaled for help with my secret signal fingernail. If only I could get out of this cement. Or get into some more. Either one."

Dr. Evil listened in admiration as Karen recited her lines to the raccoon. He was no small fan of talking to himself, and so appreciated the talent when he found it in another. For a brief instant, he almost set her free. But then he slapped himself and moved forward. "You aren't going anywhere," he leered, his voice full of dennis-the-menace. "I'm not through with you. You are to be the bait that I will use to capture Superguy and Wonderlady. I saw you signal with your fingernail and they will soon be here."

Karen stopped bouncing shortly after Dr. Evil gripped her shoulders. She shivered, as it felt exactly like someone had put a hand on her shoulder. A low moan escaped her throat, where it had been hiding for days, since the paperboy's experimentation with body paints and glitter. "Oh no!" she cried. "What have I done? What are you going to do now?"

Dr. Evil whirled and stared into an imaginary camera, ready for a close up. He tugged fitfully at his eyebrow. "I'll show you."

Thinking this was an appropriate time for a swoon, Karen released consciousness. Dr. Evil moved so he would not obstruct her fall, and she struck the floor with what seemed to him to be a satisfying thud. He looked at her soft body lying there, and for a brief moment he saw her as she saw herself...as a sex object. Disgusted by this premise, Dr. Evil spun and retched, leaving a disgusting mess on the carpet which would feed three starving rats for days.

Working swiftly and silently, Dr. Evil picked up the limp form of Karen and piled her in a wheelbarrow. Humming a happy wheelbarrow pushing tune, he began walking into the swamp, being certain to wear his boots so that his feet wouldn't get damp. I think there's a lesson there for all of us.

Karen awoke right as he stopped pushing the barrow. From her curled up position she could see a sign sticking out of the ground. Moving her lips silently, she read the sign: DANGER! QUICKSAND! She had seen many signs like it before, as there was a store in town that specialized in their production, and the shop windows always had them on display. She was confused, however, at finding one out in the wilderness.

Dr. Evil's nostrils flared menacingly as he said with malice and no thought, "Now you know my plans." Which actually wasn't true at the moment, as Karen was a teensy bit slow.

In a moment of revelation like the others that had been sweeping over her with astonishing regularity of late, Karen realized that the sign was not there by coincidence, and neither was she. Quivering with excitement and anticipation, she said, "You're going to throw me in that quicksand, aren't you?"

Dr. Evil could not help but laugh at the quivering girl in the wheelbarrow, but really, who could blame him? He crossed his eyes menacingly and flapped his arms like a chicken. Karen momentarily ceased quivering, fascinated by this strange and pointless behavior. Dr. Evil cackled, "Heh, heh, that's right!" He grabbed her by her arms and hoisted her into the air. There was not much she could do about it, so she merely stared at her captor. She tried vainly to wriggle out of his grasp, and finally did so. It is worth note that she did not heave a sigh of relief, however. Instead, she let out a tiny splash. By thinking quick, she dropped into the sand.

Dr. Evil gurgled like a contented baby when he was two months old. But now, he merely said, "In you go. When Superguy and Wonderlady see you sinking, they will try to rescue you. I'll blast them with my secret gun that will turn them into rabbits." Here we see the story becomes barely plausible, and one has to question the veracity of this entire tale. A waste of time, really. But this far into it, we may as well see how it ends, right?

Karen, however, had little question of the situation's authenticity, for if the situation were not real, then neither was she, and neither was the smelly mud that was covering up her delightfully formed legs. But as it felt like mud, she had to believe in its reality. She attempted to lurch her way out, but all she did was sink deeper. As the black mud began to cover her shorts, she worried as to whether it would stain them badly. With an uncomfortable look on her face, she eyed Dr. Evil. "Dr. Evil, this quicksand has already covered some of my naughty bits, and if you don't help me I'll sink all the way under. Please pull me out of this stuff!" She fluttered her eyelashes in Morse code, hoping it would subliminally convince the evil ex-public official to free her.

But Dr. Evil was not biting. He was too busy setting up his video equipment. He hoped later to put music to the event and send it in to MTV. He flicked a switch and slavered into the camera. "Karen, this is the end of you and your superbuddies!" he declared, thinking organ music would likely be a cliche' here, but somehow appropriate nonetheless.

Yet flying above them were the two dazzling, peculiarly costumed heroes of our story. They wore grim countenances, as their others were at the cleaners. Wonderlady scoured the swamp below them while Superguy read Stan Lee, a classic writer in his estimation. He frowned as Wonderlady jabbed him in the ribs, and decided that he would definitely make sure she got blown up real good today.

"Look," she said, pointing without even using her hands. "There's Karen in that quicksand." She frowned, puzzled. "I guess we were wrong and she's okay after all."

Superguy ground his molars of steel. Yes, he thought. Definitely today. He shook his head. "She's in trouble. Quick, we must fly in and save her."

In a desperate attempt to save face, Wonderlady added, "It may be a trap." Which, I think, is yet another lesson for all of us.

With incredible resolve and superhero superego, Superguy pushed all such thoughts of personal safety away, as if they were Wonderlady. "We'll have to take that chance."

Karen had ceased struggling below, and had decided to sit back and enjoy the situation as best she could, for she was one of those disgusting perennial optimists. But sitting back is less than brilliant when in quicksand, and it only caused her to sink deeper. She wriggled her hands, which were now covered in greasy muck. A smile passed over her face in appreciation of a fellow artist. He could certainly tie a knot. To her dismay, she could not wipe the grin off her face. She'd deny it in public, but she was quite enjoying this, and only wished the old man at the bus stop was here with her. She opened her eyes in time to see her costumed protectors fly down and land at the edge of the mud. It was a confusing situation for her, and she was unsure if she should invite them in or not. Proper etiquette could be so confusing at times.

But Wonderlady cut off her thoughts, knowing too well how wasteful thought can be. She turned sideways for the video camera, thrusting her, well, you know, out to best advantage. "Stay still, Karen. We'll pull you out of there." She blew the audience a kiss. Superguy blew his nose. And Karen blew, well, never mind.

Then Karen remembered and cried out, "No, get away! It's a trap!"

Taking his cue like a closet thespian, Dr. Evil jumped out from behind the bushes with his rabbit ray gun (mentioned earlier, as you no doubt recall) and grinned gleefully as he lowered it, ready to transform them all into cute little bunnies. Desperate for a new verb, he fluttered, "Stay right where you are. You're going to pay for helping Karen send me to jail."

Confused, Wonderlady said, "What is that you're holding?"

Dr. Evil stared at his hand. Upon seeing the weapon still firmly in his grasp, he upholstered his courage and grunked, "What I'm holding is the deadly rabbit revolver, and I'm going to blast you with it."

However, as is so often the case, Dr. Evil was doing new math with his poultry before incubation was complete, and being thus occupied, Superguy and Wonderlady were able to leap into the sky and get out of range of the deadly beam. Dr. Evil fired anyway, striking a rabbit, whereby it instantly was transformed into a rabbit, which it found to be no inconvenience whatsoever. Dr. Evil snorted fitfully, "Darn! I missed! But they must return or Karen will perish!" He whirled on the now short female, deciding the guitar solo would fit in nicely here.

Karen tittered at that, as the quicksand now lapped eagerly at her breasts. She stared at the thick mud that had slowly consumed her body. She wriggled and the quicksand wriggled back with obvious pleasure. This was another fine mess she'd gotten herself into. She felt really guilty that she had no one to share the experience with. All the same, she knew all good things must come to an end, and indeed she knew she would if someone didn't pull her out soon.

Dr. Evil seated himself by a tree and wiped a triumphant tear from his eye. "Well, Karen, it looks as if you are doomed," said he, and burst into entirely uncalled for laughter, which is above and beyond the call of duty in such situations.

The superheroes had not fled with their tails between their legs, however, for neither of them had tails. They did, however, fly above the swamp where Dr. Evil could not see them. Superguy was worried. There was no way for Wonderlady to get blown up in that swamp. Still, if he could get her transformed into a rabbit, at least that would be good for a giggle. He glanced over at his partner and said, "Let's circle down behind him."

Which is what they did.

Wonderlady peered from behind a tree. Feeling a need to speak, she pointed out the obvious. "The quicksand is already up to her neck. We better act fast, Superguy, if we want to save her."

Superguy smiled in anticipation, nodding eagerly. He wondered what Wonderlady would look like as a bunny. Then he wondered if the local zoo needed any bunnies to feed their pythons. Pushing such thoughts aside for the moment, he nodded to Wonderlady and together they stepped out from behind the bushes to confront Dr. Evil.

Dr. Evil was aware of their presence, for her had heard Wonderlady mumbling behind him. Grinning at his apparent triumph, he whirled on them and fired. His first shot missed, splintering a tree. The two heroes moved in opposite directions. Superguy dashed to the right, and Wonderlady went to the left towards Karen and Dr. Evil. She went that way because Superguy firmly pushed her that way. Thrilled by the easy target, Dr. Evil fired again, and the beam struck Wonderlady in the nose, causing her to cry out as she stumbled into the quicksand near Karen.

Dr. Evil cried out in consternation, for he was quite consterned by this unexpected development. The rabbit revolver had worked after a fashion, but not quite as he had hoped. Wonderlady had indeed become a bunny, but not the type the madman predicted. She was now dressed in a skimpy cocktail waitress's outfit, revealing a bust that while ample before was now of legendary proportions. She also wore a bow tie, a cotton tail, and felt ears. Thus, Dr. Evil learned the hard way to buy American.

Superguy looked at the bunny Wonderlady in anger. A beautiful chance to be rid of Wonderlady, and that dumb Dr. Evil couldn't even get it right. Chances were good that she was probably even ditzier now. He cried out in disappointment, "Dr. Evil, what have you done? Oh, you'll pay for this, you cur!" (Not to be confused with the game, euchre, for those of you having this story read aloud to you.)

While all this was occurring, poor Karen was in deep trouble. She would have screamed for help, but if she did that she would have received a mouthful of quicksand, for the sand was up to her delicately upturned nose. The entire event had been a fascinating and rather erotic experience thus far, but gradually the tried and true thrill of breathing would become more important. Her glance flicked over to Wonderlady, who was now up to her shapely bunny hips in the bog.

Wonderlady was quite stunned by her sudden transformation. She giggled fetchingly and stared at the frightened eyes gazing out of the mud at her. Quickly she reached over and plunged her arms into the quicksand. Grabbing Karen's shoulders, she gave a quick jerk and Karen's face broke the surface, her mouth gasping for air. This movement forced Wonderlady deeper, but she didn't care. She was having more fun than she had enjoyed in ages. Together Karen and Wonderlady stared at the hero and villain squaring off for their final confrontation.

Dr. Evil chortled, as it was his job. He was an arch villain. "Ha ha, Superguy! You are losing! You are all going to die! I will have my revenge on you all!"

Superguy, never without a sharp retort, insolently replied, "No way."

Stunned momentarily by the sharpness of this retort, Dr. Evil nearly turned around and walked home. Instead, he brought the revolver up and fired it at Superguy, screeching, "Now I shall turn you into a rabbit also." The strange, burgundy light zipped out at Superguy.

As soon as Dr. Evil fired, Superguy's arm lashed out and ripped the "DANGER" sign from the soil. He held it in front of his face, and so the ray ricocheted off it and went back to strike Dr. Evil. To say this displeased the bad doctor could possibly be considered an understatement, particularly if you were shorter than he was. Yet under other circumstances he would have been pleased, for the ray worked splendidly, transforming him into a big, ugly, black rabbit. If he had anything to say about this development, he kept it to himself as he hopped into the swamp.

At this point, Karen and Wonderlady were now in the quicksand which was hugging their shoulders. Their faces were flush with excitement as they huskily discussed the pros and cons of such light-hearted entertainment. They were quite startled then and shared a secret blush when Superguy yelled at them from the edge of the pit.

"Do you ladies need help?"

Being as their IQ's barely equaled their combined bust measurements, the two merely glanced at one another and giggled. Superguy paused to wonder if he could be held liable if he left them there. He doubted anyone would hold it against him. But his hero instincts were too strong and so he pulled them safely to shore.

Regaining her composure, Karen began slowly wiping off some of the mud covering her from head to toe. "Thanks, Superguy. But where is Dr. Evil?"

Taking his cue, the bad bunny burst out of the woods, being rapidly followed by a hungry fox, and not some other creature transformed into a fox. At any rate, Karen, feeling some silly silent sympathy, jumped over and pulled the bunny out of the fox's path. But dear, dear. She hopped onto the revolver, thereby crushing it into a billion tiny pieces. She patted the bunny and said, "Even though you would have let me drown, I can't let that fox eat you."

The bunny replied by sharing some wet warmth with her.

Superguy fought down a smile. "You broke the revolver, Karen. Now Dr. Evil and Wonderlady are trapped as they are."

Wonderlady halted in her efforts to clear the muck from her costumed bunny tail. "You mean I'll never get my powers back?"

Superguy considered this. Perhaps things weren't so bad after all. "I'm afraid not. I guess our partnership is over, Wonderlady." He gave her a friendly punch on the shoulder. "It's been real."

And so with that, Superguy turned to Karen and broke her feet free from the cement. Then grabbing the bunny, he flew off, laughing hysterically, towards the local ASPCA. And the rest of the adventures of Superguy, are they not written in the Superhero Chronicles?

Karen and Wonderlady found their way out of the swamp and into greater fame and fortune as a mud wrestling team (though they did have the tendency to hold their matches in actual quicksand for reasons no one else could fathom). They had quite a jolly time, and as Karen said, "It's good clean fun."

The video was shown on MTV only once.

Copyright Kaol-September 1995