In comparison to much of the universe, the planet Earth was a relative infant, wrapped in swaddling ozone, when the space chariots arrived. They shot swiftly across the deep, black void of space, their occupants searching for a new planet to call their own and gradually destroy due to a lack of good environmental policies. It had been nearly a million light-years past that their home planet, Laboto, had been vaporized in the same instant that their sun had gone nova after giving up in disgust. As the rather tackily-painted seeds of steel made their way into the Earth's solar system, the emerald orbs that powered them grew dim. It was essential that they find a planet in this system to colonize. A dart hastily thrown at the star chart made the decision for them. It was the planet Earth they would call their new home.

As the space arks entered the planet's atmosphere, all of the life on the infant planet looked up in wonder. At this time, the fauna of the planet consisted primarily of small mammals, trying to decide what they thought of this whole evolution deal, and whether it was worth the bother. A relative newcomer to the animal kingdom was a species that would one day call itself Man. Only two were currently in existence, a couple with the quaint names of Adam and Eve. Having recently pissed off their Creator, they stared up into the sky with some trepidation, watching in awe as a giant ball of fire concealing a Laboto spacecraft blazed out of the sky before crushing them into the tarmac. It would be some time before this species would again manage to walk on the planet.

The occupants of the ships were not injured in their landing, and were ignorant of their temporary destruction of the race that would one day dominate the planet. They were ignorant of this, and had they known, they would not have shed a tear, lacking as they were in tear ducts. All that concerned them was that their long journey had reached an end, and they could rid themselves of the insufferable company of their assigned and loudly snoring bunkmates.

The Labotomites set about running preliminary tests on the planet's atmosphere in order to determine whether the environment could sustain their life forms, or if they would need to do some very serious evolving in the next few days. By an incredible stroke of luck, they were almost exact duplicates of the species that had only moments before been eradicated from the planet. Given the promising results of the tests, one by one, the least popular members of the crew were shoved out the hatchways and eagerly observed by their peers. When they did not fall to the ground choking in agony, the hatches were unsealed and their was much celebration. Although those who had been pushed out the hatchways went off and sulked, no one much cared. At last they were home.

Immediately, the leader of the Labotomites, Queen Pi-Ow-Yadoin, ordered a compound built. "Make it big!" she ordered her engineer. "With a tower, big tower! Long, wide, satisfying to behold! With an elevator! That I can ride up and down and up and down and upanddownandupanddownandupanddown!" she continued, before collapsing back into her bed, exhausted, a dreamy smile on her face.

The Queen (unconscious fantasies aside), had ruled her subjects wisely during their long space flight (not including the wrong turn just past Betelgeuse Five), and so had reason to believe she would continue her rule on Earth. The majority of the Labotomites were more than happy to have her continue as their ruler, and they set about rebuilding their civilization.

The Labotomites had lived on the Earth for five short years when their civilization came to a screeching and rather unexpected halt. A young man, named Ter, had decided that he deserved the throne. After all, his dearly departed father had built it. This would have been trouble enough, but along with the throne, he jolly well wanted the power it represented. He had gained a respectable following among the Labotomites, campaigning on a "No nude taxes" platform. Soon, he knew that if anything were to happen to Pi-Ow-Yadoin, he would be the new big cheese.

Ter decided that he could not wait for Pi to step down from the ruling position, as she was barely out of adolescence in Labotomite years, and he would be buzzard bait before she was ready to retire. Thus, he determined he would need to speed up the process somewhat. With the help of some close associates, Ter devised a trap for Pi.

"I need to get rid of the Queen," he said to Dongo, his friend. "Why not just sneak up on her while she sleeps and chop her into tiny little bits and then take those tiny little bits, and throw them up in the air and then chop those tiny little bits into tinier little bits, and then..."

"No, no, no, you maroon," Ter said, shaking his head. "I cannot simply assassinate her, for then I would fall into serious disfavor, as well as the local stockade. No, her death must appear as an accident."

"Um, maybe we could make it look like she accidentally fell on a knife repeatedly until she was chopped into little tiny bits?" Dongo tried again.

The air was split with the crack of Ter's palm on his companion's forehead. "No! I have a better idea!" he cackled, and tugged on Dongo's mustache, not having one of his own to twirl.

When all was ready, Ter and his friends invited the young queen for a walk in the tropical forest. Knowing his Queen's weakness, he claimed to have discovered possible remnants of a totem pole left behind by an advanced life-form. It was terribly long and solid, and seemed to glisten as if oiled. Would she be interested in confirming its authenticity? Pi had nearly bowled Ter over in her excitement, barely pausing to throw on her royal g-string. "Like putty in my hands" Ter murmured to himself.

"How much longer?" Pi asked Ter, as they crept through the dense green.

"Nearly there," Ter assured her. They had been walking nearly an hour, and Ter knew that any cries for help she might utter would not be heard back at the compound. He paused and turned to look at his Queen, feeling a brief pang of guilt at having to destroy such a beautiful creature. But then he reminded himself that many such beautiful creatures would be fighting over his bed once she was gone, and the guilt quickly evaporated. "As a matter of fact, why don't you wait here while we scout ahead. I want to make sure it's still where I think it was."

"Very well," Pi agreed. "But please hurry back. I am so eager to behold what surely will be a great um, master, uh, piece." She flopped down, tired, on the mossy ground and watched as Ter and his friends moved off.

In a moment, the screams of Ter and his companions filled the air. Alarmed, Queen Pi-Ow-Yadoin leaped from the ground and rushed off in the direction of the voices. A moment later, she ran smack dab into a patch of quicksand. Instantly the thick ooze swallowed her up to her hips. "Frackanoid!" she shouted. "This really sucks!"

It was then that the grinning faces of Ter and his co-conspirators parted the foliage and made their presence known to the doomed Queen. Ter spoke, "I'm sorry, oh Queen of the bountiful Heavenly Hooters." (As indeed she was). "But it is necessary that this be done. It is time for a new regime. It is time for the rule of Ter. If there was something I could do to help you, I would."

Art by Pete Boggs

"A rope would be nice."

Ter scowled. "That was sarcasm, you twit. At any rate, I'm afraid the quicksand has claimed you for its own. Never fear, though. Your people will be well cared for. As will I, I should suspect." His eyes narrowed as her chest descended beneath the surface. "Hmmm. And I do believe we shall shift our architecture from towers into domes. Yes, lots of domes."

By this time Pi had to tilt her head back to keep it above the mire, and she cried out, "Foolish Ter! The gods have given me my rule, and only they can take it away. You desired to be King, well, so be it! But you and your assassins shall never rule my people. Instead, you shall be their downfall. A curse upon you all! Even though this quicksand shall have me, I will have you! Beasts you are and beasts you shall be! You, Ter, will be their leader!"

Art by Kaol

"That's a bit snitty, isn't it?" Dongo spoke up. "I mean, cursing your whole community just because you can't be in charge. Just take your ball go home, is it? Eh, that's just like a Queen though, ain't it?"

Pi did not have time to reply, and Ter stepped back as the quicksand completely covered Pi's body, a surface bubble exploding with a satisfied belch. He hadn't like the sound of that last curse. He'd heard rumors that she had magical powers. It explained her figure, for one.

A sharp pain convulsed his body, and he stared in fear at his friends. They were changing, mutating. Their bodies were enlarging rapidly and their skin was becoming rougher, darker. Ter looked down in horror and saw that the same thing was happening to him, and the ground seemed to be getting farther and farther away. Curses! he thought. Foiled again! His teeth, much larger now, gnashed in frustration.

Within minutes the transformation was complete, and the first dinosaurs walked upon the Earth.

Tyrannosaurus Rex was hungry, and some instinct told him where food could be found. Leading the other thunder lizards, T-Rex lumbered toward the Labotomite camp. Suppertime! his primitive mind thought, and a thick tongue rolled across his gritty teeth.

Copyright 1980 Kaol